Thoroughbred
Thoroughbreds are the sleek, lanky horses that you see at American racetracks. They are bred for speed, and they gallop at around forty miles per hour. This is fairly common knowledge. I mean, the Kentucky Derby is a massive sporting event that all kinds of people watch. It would be pretty weird if you made fun of me for knowing about thoroughbreds.
American Quarter Horse
Named for their ability to outpace any other breed in races of a quarter mile or less, Quarter Horses are powerful sprinters. Their compact maneuverability makes them particularly desirable in rodeo competitions like reining and cutting. This is the horse that cowboys ride. We all agree that cowboys are cool. Would you call a cowboy a “horse girl”? Would you make soft clip-clopping sounds with your tongue behind his back? That’s right, I can hear you, assholes.
Arabian
This is a desert horse with a distinctively dished face, high tail carriage, and a long, arched neck. I don’t know why you assume things about my personality just because I happen to like horses. Sure, I know that Arabians were originally bred by the Bedouins and have incredible lung capacity, but that isn’t the only thing about me. Just like Arabian horses are more than their beauty and endurance—they have feelings. Everyone has feelings.
Clydesdale
I never even did that thing where you run around pretending to be a horse at recess. I did it maybe once. I definitely never ate grass, and, if I find out who started that rumor, I will burn his house down.
Appaloosa
I want to apologize for that threat I made about burning someone’s house down. A common misconception about horse enthusiasts is that we are too intense, and I regret adding fuel to the (strictly proverbial) fire. I am actually very chill, which all of my friends will back me up on, as soon as I get any. Appaloosas are the ones with spots on their butts.
Dunkaroo
This is not a real horse breed but, rather, a snack food from the nineties. We are loosening up. We are having some fun!
Friesian
Do you remember when somebody got ahold of my phone and everyone started passing it around and laughing at the horse photo on my lock screen? That was a Friesian.
Standardbred
Standardbreds are the fastest trotting horses in the world, and they’re commonly used in harness racing. At least, I think I heard that somewhere. Maybe it was in a movie. I did not learn it from routinely studying a set of homemade horse-breed flashcards, if that’s what people were thinking.
Trakehner
Listen, I’m not even confident about how to pronounce this one. What’s that “H” doing in there, right? Ha ha, I guess I’m not the total horse-freak we all thought I was! Do you want to get drinks later?
Trakehner
I can’t do this. It’s pronounced tra-ˈkā-nər, and they’re light, athletic warmbloods with refined faces, originating in East Prussia. I’m sorry, but that’s what they are.
Lipizzaner
Sometimes I fantasize about the end of the world. The grid is down, the gas stations have run dry, and all of you are on foot, your faces streaked with dirt, shuffling from town to town in search of clean water. All of a sudden, you hear the clatter of hoofbeats alongside you—it’s me, cantering effortlessly by on a gleaming gray stallion. There is no dirt on my face. In fact, I am radiant, and, also, my hair looks great. You squint up through your greasy bangs and recognize me, call out my name. “Wait,” you cry. “We were wrong—you’re cool, actually.” But it’s too late. My sixteen-hand-tall baroque horse leaps away in a gorgeous suspended capriole (Google it, bitch), and your pleas to be my friend are lost to the wind.
Morgan
It’s possible that I did nibble on a tiny bit of grass that one time, but I didn’t swallow any, and I think you have to get pretty creative to call that “eating.”
Lusitano
Just to be clear, if anyone did want to get drinks later, I am still down.
