SERVICE AGENT: Thanks for calling Orchard Farms. How may I help you?
CALLER: Pears.
AGENT: Sorry?
CALLER: I have pears.
AGENT: Did you receive a fruit-of-the-month delivery from us?
CALLER: Yes.
AGENT: Great—how are you enjoying it?
CALLER: They’re everywhere.
AGENT: The pears?
CALLER: There’s too many. What should I do?
AGENT: You should eat some.
CALLER: I did.
AGENT: You should eat more.
CALLER: I don’t want to eat more.
AGENT: Then why did you order all those pears?
CALLER: I didn’t order them—they were a gift!
AGENT: Well, you must have told someone that you love pears, or they wouldn’t have sent them!
CALLER: I didn’t say a fucking word to anyone about loving pears!!
AGENT: Oh, right, I’m sure you didn’t.
(Pause)
AGENT: Sorry that I got so upset.
CALLER: I’m sorry, too.
(Pause)
AGENT: What about a pie? You could make a pie.
CALLER: I did, I made a pie.
AGENT: How about a crumble, then?
CALLER: That’s also a pie!
AGENT: It’s not a pie! It’s a crumble! It’s fruit with a crumb topping! A pie has a crust!!
CALLER: I’m a fucking adult—I know what a pie is!
AGENT: Do you want to unload these fucking pears or not? Make a fucking crumble!
CALLER: O.K., I will!!
AGENT: Don’t do me any favors!!!
(Pause)
AGENT: Apologies again.
CALLER: No, it’s not you. It’s these pears. They’re really getting under my skin.
(Pause)
AGENT: What about slicing some up and handing them out during halftime at your kid’s soccer game?
CALLER: He doesn’t play soccer.
AGENT: Well, maybe he should. Exercise is important for kids!
CALLER: I fucking know that!
AGENT: You sure aren’t acting like you know it!!
CALLER: He does other things!!
AGENT: Oh, really? Like what?
CALLER: Tennis!
AGENT: So bring the fucking pears to tennis!!
CALLER: I can’t do that! The racquets will get sticky from the pear juice! It will fucking ruin the racquets!
AGENT: Oh, but soccer would have been fine? You’re full of shit!
CALLER: You play soccer with your feet—if you’d ever played soccer, you’d know that!
AGENT: I did play soccer! I played for years! I played center midfield for my high-school team, the Badgers!!!
CALLER: Oh, wow, the Badgers? You must have been amazing! Come on!
AGENT: We were state champs two years in a row, actually!
CALLER: Wow, that’s actually really impressive!!
AGENT: Thank you!!!
CALLER: You’re welcome!!!
(Pause)
AGENT: You could try making some jam. That might be nice.
CALLER: I made jam.
AGENT: Make some more jam!
CALLER: I did! I already made more jam! I have ten fucking jars of pear jam!!
AGENT: Sell it! Sell the fucking jam!! Open a jam store!!
CALLER: I don’t want to open a fucking jam store! I have a job!!
AGENT: Like you’re fulfilled at that job! Please!!!
CALLER: I am fulfilled! I work at a fucking advocacy group for underprivileged youth!! It’s very fucking fulfilling!!!
AGENT: For real?
CALLER: Yes!!!
AGENT: I work in a call center for a fucking fruit-shipping company!! Fuck!
CALLER: Don’t beat yourself up! It’s honest work!!
AGENT: My life sucks so bad!
CALLER: I’m sorry! I hit a nerve!!!
AGENT: No!! I needed to hear myself say it out loud!!!
CALLER: Oh, good!!!
(Pause)
AGENT: Send the pears to your mom!
CALLER: Why don’t you send them to your mom?!!
AGENT: My mom?
CALLER: Yeah!
AGENT: She passed away last year!!
CALLER: I’m really sorry to hear that!!!
AGENT: She was ill for a long time, so I think we honestly all felt a little relieved at the end!!
CALLER: I totally get that!! It was a similar thing with my grandfather a few years ago!!!
(Pause)
AGENT: Dig a hole in your yard and fucking bury the pears!
CALLER: What if that grows a fucking pear tree?!
AGENT: Holy shit, yeah, don’t do that!!
(Pause)
AGENT: Draw fucking faces on the pears and film a stop-motion short about their lives!
CALLER: I don’t want to!!!
(Pause)
AGENT: Put them in a bowl and paint a fucking still-life!
CALLER: I did!
AGENT: How did it turn out?!
CALLER: Decent!!
(Pause)
AGENT: Is there anything else I can help you with?
CALLER: No, I think I’m good. Thank you.
AGENT: Great. Oh, before I let you go, your second shipment of pears is in the queue. Should go out on the fourteenth.
CALLER: Fuck you!
AGENT: Fuck you!!!
