Exhaustion. Stress. Anger. Divorce-induced debt. These are a few ingredients that nobody likes to cook with. As you struggle to find time to unwind, it’s nice to know that preparing a meal for your family will make everything astronomically worse. Here are some recipes that our Cooking editors think you really ought to avoid trying this week.
Stick-to-the-Pan Salmon in Brown-Butter Caper Sauce
You’re going to want to visit your local seafood shop and buy nothing. Back away from the counter. Go home. Sure, the photos look appealing—but there’s something in our spice rub that, once seared, turns into a military-grade adhesive. Stainless steel, nonstick, cast iron—no matter what type of pan you use, you will not extricate this fish fillet from it. Oh, and the brown-butter caper sauce would require deglazing with that last cup of Chardonnay you’ve been saving in the fridge and thinking about all day. Don’t be stupid—order a pizza.
Seven-Pot Garlic Spaghetti with Anchovy-Lime Breadcrumbs
This “simple” dish requires you to use more pieces of large cookware than you actually own. Why do our editors recommend using one pot to cook the spaghetti, another for the sauce, another to hold extra pasta water, another in which to mix the spaghetti and sauce, another for serving the pasta, another to concoct the anchovy-lime mixture, and yet another to toast the breadcrumbs? Haven’t a clue. Though it may be because the vast majority of our readership is, like, Illuminati-rich and has live-in help. But then there’s you, obviously. LOL.
Nobody’s Grandma’s Hen-Broth Soup
Not going to lie—no one here had a grandmother who cooked this. But I guess adding the word “grandma” to any recipe makes it feel more authentically homey or healing or something? It’s as if “grandma” has become a flavor, disgustingly. Either way, it needs salt.
Spatchcocked Micro-Pheasant Avec Crème Monet
You know only eighteen per cent of the words in this recipe.
Charred-Broccoli-and-Gruyère Quiche
Although the quiche is tasty, this recipe’s author keeps making subtle jabs at the grocery-shopping habits of lazy home cooks like you. For instance: “Using store-bought piecrust is fine, but I really prefer to build my own quiche dough from scratch, using double-zero semolina flour purchased at my specialty grocer” and “Although I’m using wild broccolini that my husband, Wilhelm, foraged at dawn, you may use the green fibrous waste that your supermarket calls broccoli as well.” You’ll feel so embarrassed about your (totally acceptable) produce that you won’t be able to enjoy the dish.
Taco Bell’s New Turkey-Loaded Crunchwrap with Flamin’ Hot Gravy
This is a full-page ad, not a recipe. But, hey, maybe not such a terrible option for dinner tonight?
