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March 28, 2024
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Humorous

Suggested Revisions to Etiquette

Wedding attendees do not give gifts.
What happens instead: They receive gifts.
Why: To make up for the time, expense, and attention wedding attendees are forced to lavish on others. Going to a wedding is annoying enough to make most of us wonder whether it’s worth having friends or a family at all. This might soften the blow.

Those who receive gifts don’t send thank-you notes.
What happens instead: The person who receives a gift thanks the gift giver with the cash value of said gift.
Why: Most people are bad writers, and it’s impossible to quantify gratitude. It is, however, easy to determine the exact amount of money a gift is worth. Let’s just give that to the gift givers and move on with our lives.

You need not avoid replying to an e-mail with only a “Thanks!”
What happens instead: You initiate e-mail chains with total strangers by saying nothing more than “Thanks!” and don’t sign the e-mail or explain why you’re contacting them.
Why: People like to feel appreciated, even if they don’t know what for or by whom.

You need not refrain from discussing finances with people you don’t know well.
What happens instead: Though you generally still shouldn’t bring up finances with those to whom you’re not close, if someone shows you a picture of something expensive—like a boat, a nice apartment, or a premium chocolate bar—you get to ask that person how he makes his money.
Why: You’re curious.

Party attendees do not need to bring something for the other guests to eat or drink.
What happens instead: Party attendees bring everything they themselves are going to consume.
Why: Efficiency.

You don’t have to put away your cell phone at dinner.
What happens instead: You can and should use your cell phone, but you must loudly narrate everything that you’re doing on your phone to everyone at the table.
Why: We all want to know the Mets score. What is the score? Tell me the score! Sometimes I find the Mets frustrating.

You need not wait until everyone is seated to start eating.
What happens instead: Everyone should hurry to the table and eat as quickly as possible—it’s every man for himself.
Why: We will all die someday, and the future is uncertain. Every second you spend not eating is a second you will never get back. Anyone who gets between you and your food is causing you irreparable harm.

The person who sneezes does not receive a “bless you.”
What happens instead: The sneezer apologizes.
Why: Sneezes are loud and spread germs. Sure, they’re involuntary, but you could at least have the decency to be ashamed of them.

It’s not proper to merely hold the door for others.
What happens instead: You remove the door with a crowbar and drive it to a landfill.
Why: Now everyone—not just the person right behind you—will be able to easily enter and exit the room.

You don’t have to stop yourself from running into your boss’s office, screaming wordlessly, and then smashing all of her belongings.
What happens instead: You do it.
Why: You’ve been having a rough morning.

Click Here to Visit Orignal Source of Article https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/suggested-revisions-to-etiquette

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