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March 29, 2024
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Humorous

Your Milk-Preference Horoscope

Constellation of a glass of almond milk.

Almond Milk

You can’t shake a nagging sense of complicity in the water-intensive production of your favorite ovular nut, but don’t allow that or anything else to infiltrate the serenity of your home. Avoid looking at your phone in bed and skip any articles with headlines including the words “trade war,” “escalation,” or “impending disaster.” Your newfound clarity could bring with it some unexpectedly lucrative freelance work; when a surprise guest arrives around the twelfth, make sure to have hidden evidence of your recent Amazon purchases.  


Constellation of a bottle of hemp milk.

Hemp Milk

Last month was not without its challenges—the new high-rise next to your community garden undercut your turnip yield, and the city ignored your requests to extend its composting program to your block. With each glass you pour, let go of recent disappointments. Play a second-hand Leonard Cohen album on the record player you’ve never previously used and take a moment to listen to yourself every time the needle skips. If you’re feeling depleted mid-month, increase your calcium intake.


Constellation of a carton of skim milk.

Skim Milk

Your consistency is an admirable quality, but if the familiar trappings of your life have begun to grate, be open to change. Consider taking a break from Atkins, at least until the end of the month. Then, a return to your no-carb regimen will help ease the gnawing sense that reruns of your favorite nineties sitcoms don’t stand up so well in 2020. When that happens, remember—you have never been in control of time.


Constellation of a coconut and a glass of coconut milk.

Coconut Milk

Your impassioned political posts on social media have not gone unnoticed, but you know well that it is possible to indulge in too much of a good thing. Consider journaling before taking to the comments section, and while you’ve got your Moleskine open, make a list of everyone who has ever hurt you. Call each of them and air your frustrations about the weakened Endangered Species Act. Draw an analogy between them and the oil industry, casting yourself as the bald eagle.


Constellation of a bottle of 2 milk.

Two Per Cent

There’s no doubt that you prefer to avoid extremes, but consider reducing your use of phrases like, “I’m just not that political.” Ask yourself, instead, “Who am I?” An additional dose of Vitamin D may help you reëvaluate your stance that structural obstacles to the American Dream are overstated. Instead of gazing up at modernist art and grumbling, “I could have made that,” exit the halls of the gallery and enter the museum of the world.


Constellation of a carton of rice milk.

Rice Milk

Your friends often envy your predisposition for harmony, and you certainly had a knack for mindfulness long before they installed meditation apps. Though you continue to take pleasure in the unity you feel sipping milk derived from a grain that feeds so much of the world, this month you will find that the simple pleasures that once sustained you have lately had diminishing returns.


Constellation of a carton of chocolate milk.

Chocolate Milk

A string of near-misses breaking into a creative field such as video-game design has been an unmistakable setback, but do not let this stand in your way. Begin studying for your real estate license and put out feelers for a place of your own. As you master terms like “adjustable-rate mortgage” and “escrow,” you’ll be faced with new questions about your identity. Are you a co-op or a condo at heart? Are you more of a garden unit, cozy and tucked out of sight, or do you, like the floor-through penthouse, long to be truly seen? 


Constellation of a carton of oat milk.

Oat Milk

While there’s nothing more satisfying to you than a well-monitored to-do list, do not mistake the victory of each crossed-off chore for true productivity. Remember, not all tasks are created equal, and cleaning crumbs from the keys of your laptop is not the same thing as finishing your novel. Rid yourself of banal tasks and live a life composed entirely of epiphanies.


Constellation of a pitcher of soy milk.

Soy Milk

If anyone knows true heartbreak, it’s you. Your challenge this month is to realize that you deserve more from love than the human equivalent of an airy, acoustic song played before the commercial break of a network soap.


Constellation of a bottle of cashew milk.

Cashew Milk

After years of hard work and the occasional consultation of a best-selling self-help book, you now enjoy the trappings of a shiny, non-specific office job. But be wary of ruts that disguise themselves as routines. Reconsider whether you’re getting the most out of your gym membership. If you have the urge to Google “life’s meaning” or “what’s the point,” get a dog. 

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