Leather from a Cow That You Killed Yourself
Pledging to honor and cherish another person for the rest of your life might make some of your Halo buddies think you’re whipped. Prove them all hella wrong by slaying an innocent animal and using its hide to symbolize your commitment to your freakin’ wife. After you tan and mold the strip of leather, use the rest of the cow to cook a steak dinner for your best guys, or just leave it there to rot, because you are at the top of the food chain and you do what you want.
An Actual Ball and Chain
As my bros know, sometimes the ladies can be a real drag—even the lady whom, you announced to the world, you want to share your life and finances with. And nothing says, “Ugh, fine,” better than a big ball of lead hanging from a chunky metal chain. Next time you’re out having some Buds with your buds, remind everyone that you’re the man by showing off how your mutually agreed-upon union (which has been statistically shown to improve your life prospects and lessen those of your freakin’ wife) makes you feel like a prisoner serving a life sentence.
A Beautiful 18k.-Gold Band Engraved with the Words “No Homo”
You may be thinking, jewelry is for ladies. But, my dude, it is 2020. We’re allowed to like Baby Yoda, put elderflower in our spiked seltzers (eight per cent A.B.V.!), and enjoy delicate metals that elongate our fingies while demonstrating to the world that we locked dat down. But, just to be safe, this beautiful gold band is engraved with the words “No Homo” to remind any broheem that, just because you’re wearing a ring to symbolize your everlasting commitment to a freakin’ member of the opposite sex, it doesn’t mean you’re gay or something.
A Glass Ring that Doubles as a Flask
This classic ring reminds us of the good old days—the days when a man could take a swig of his favorite Scotch in the middle of the day. This is a ring for a man who appreciates the way things used to be: when P.C. culture and “open communication” with your freakin’ wife didn’t exist. This carefully crafted flask-ring comes in amber gold, if you fill it with scotch, or nuclear green, if you’re more of a Four Loko guy.
A Super Bowl Ring
Most wedding rings just say, “I committed to spending the rest of my life with someone I love.” But why choose that when yours can say, “I had the winningest record in my geographic division, and then won four consecutive post-season games, to become the reigning N.F.L. champion?” It’s not even a question.
A Tire
Your woman might be your freakin’ wife now, but your car will always be your lover. Make sure that your promise to be faithful to one person, as long as you both shall live, doesn’t make people think that you’re a minivan bitch or anything. Show the world how much you love hearing that engine purr, caressing that leather upholstery, and occasionally sticking your junk into that exhaust pipe.
A CrossFit Tire
A sedan tire might work for a lesser man, but you’re the Donald Trump, Jr., of your own damned life. You already haul around an unnecessarily bulky tire when you work out at CrossFit, but CrossFit isn’t just a workout; it’s a life style. Plus, this gigantic rubber tire will turn any embarrassing wedding photo on your freakin’ wife’s Instagram into a workout pic!
A Round Pocketknife with Seven Blades
A real man doesn’t need an accessory, a token of affection, or a symbol of an unbreakable bond with another human being. Man needs machine. At the wedding, assert your dominance by responding to the guests who tells you that “the ceremony was beautiful” by pulling a switchblade on them and cutting their steak into itty-bitty pieces. You’re a married man now—emphasis still on man.
A Can of Axe Body Spray
Wow, looks like you wore so much Axe body spray that you got a lady to become your freakin’ wife. Nice, brah. Now show her it’s forever by crushing your last-ever can of Axe, welding it into a ring, and wearing it on your finger.
Big Boat Rope
You big like boat. You need big rope keep you still. Nothing tie you down. Not even freakin’ wife. Put big rope around big finger. Feel big. Strong. Manly.
Iron Man’s Arc Reactor (Replica)
Are you a playboy-bachelor millionaire meets industrialist-inventor genius? If so, this replica of Tony Stark’s Arc Reactor is the wedding ring for you. After all, you’re the Tony Stark of your Ultimate Frisbee team, the Iron Man of your improv team, the Robert Downey, Jr., of the couples cooking class at Sur La Table. Show your freakin’ wife that, if she wants your goateed genius, she’d better be your Pepper Potts—thin, dry, and generally uninvolved in most major events in your life.
Iron Man’s Arc Reactor (Actual)
Why do only girls get to have expensive rings? Demand two months of your freakin’ wife’s paycheck, and millions more dollars to create a ring of constant energy, like the one that Tony Stark uses to keep himself alive in the Marvel movies.
