On 2x speed: The point is to go slow. 1.5x speed at max.
In an Uber: You’re just trying to avoid conversation. Which is honestly valid, but is not meditation. Meditation is about connecting and speaking a lot.
In yoga class: They let you pretend you’re meditating, but you’re obviously just taking a break from exercise.
During naps: This is just sleeping.
In a meditation group: This is for meeting eligible men only. You have to stay focussed on the goal—that’s what mindfulness is all about.
While checking your Twitter notifications: This defeats the purpose of meditation, a primary benefit of which is that, when you return to your phones, you have many more notifications.
Drunk: Meditating is more about appreciating how boring it is not to be drunk.
With the TV news on, warning you to evacuate your region: Who still has a TV?
As you pack your things and rush to your car: You don’t have space for your meditation cushion anyway.
In an earthquake: It doesn’t count as meditating if your body isn’t still. Besides, that’s not what earthquakes are for. Earthquakes are for texting your crush if he’s O.K.
While flames burn around you on all sides: Our bodies are more alert when it’s cold, so don’t even try.
During the apocalypse: Actually, if your phone’s already stopped working, you don’t really need to meditate. “Turns out it was your phone, not the raging fires of Hell around you, that took you out of the moment.”
In your brother’s bunker that you mercilessly mocked him for investing in: If you’re in a bunker, you’re already enough of a dweeb. Don’t make it worse by meditating.
On the pot you now pee into: Studies show that meditating on the toilet often leads us to forget to flush. You can’t flush a pot, but it seems like a relevant fact anyway.
After you discover that you’re the last person on Earth: There’s actually no point in meditating now, because you don’t have anyone to brag about it to.
