Thank you for your flexibility in moving your classes online during this grave and uncertain time. We will be using Zoom and not TikTok as originally planned due to the faculty board’s inability to agree on a thirty-second synchronized dance. Nevertheless, we remain committed to giving our students quality educational experiences, so please follow these guidelines for the best cyber-classroom environment.
During the pandemic, our pupils desperately need consistency. Keep assigning homework, grading papers, and dyeing your gray roots. If your crate of L’Oreal Paris Magic Retouch Root Cover Up or Just for Men has been delayed by Amazon as a nonessential item, make your own hair dye using equal parts Epsom salt, red pepper, turmeric, and eggs. Add color by stirring in shoe or nail polish.
Oh, and wear clothes. Especially pants.
Use the Zoom “Touch Up My Appearance” filter so that your skin looks less blotchy. If you can’t figure out how to access this setting, cut eyeholes in a paper plate or piece of aluminum foil and hold it in front of your face.
Move your chair as far away from the computer as possible to avoid scaring your class with an unflattering camera angle. If no angle suits your face, place a copy of your own high-school-yearbook photo in front of the screen and speak loudly from half a foot away.
Place mirrors and pictures of sunsets behind you so your students can’t see that your bed doubles as your desk, entertainment center, and kitchen table in your two-hundred-and-ninety-seven-square-foot apartment.
Make sure your screen isn’t facing the bathroom, where your mate will suddenly emerge from the shower, butt naked. Since your entire home is viewable from your Webcam, when the nude person appears in the background, scream, “Who the hell are you?” and slam your laptop shut.
Put pets and children behind closed doors so that they don’t screen-bomb you in the middle of a lesson. But remember—a closet is not a room.
Don’t allow anyone to flush toilets in the background during your class. To prevent this, unscrew and remove toilet handles. Lock them in the cabinet with your forty-seven rolls of Charmin Ultra Soft.
Use flattering lighting. If employing the dimmer switch still doesn’t make you look good, teach by tea light. In a pinch, your cell-phone flashlight can add ambience.
Keep your focus on the class. Silence doorbells and voice-assistant reminders to “order anal thermometer,” and turn off CNN’s hourly Chris Cuomo vs. Andrew Cuomo segment.
Start your session with a smile, and say, “Welcome to your new online class. It’s so wonderful to see you all here today.” Most important, relax and be yourself. Your students will appreciate your authenticity.
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