Are you ready to totally relax with a candle? No? Let’s try it anyway. Cuddle up with a flame-retardant blanket and take a tentative seat because it’s candle relaxation time! Here are steps for getting started:
Write a letter to your niece, just in case she decides to visit and finds only a pile of ash. You could say something like “I was trying to relax with one of my candles. Hope you’re well. Please take care of my gem collection.”
Survey the many candles your friends have given you, spread out on your kitchen table, coated in dust. Rearrange them a little bit. Now you’re one step closer to lighting your first candle, all by yourself!
Pick up a candle and try reading the label. Unfortunately, all it says is “Gardenia and orange blossom. Good luck and try your best. Sincerely, California Candles.”
Get renters’ insurance. This is a good idea in general, actually. Tell everyone you encounter to get renters’ insurance, because you never know what might happen. Send your friends text messages about renters’ insurance. Write a LinkedIn post about it, and then create a Snapchat story about renters’ insurance for the young people. Also, make a TikTok video. Don’t forget to write a book. Great job! You’ve continued to delay lighting your candle.
Think about how you would light a candle, if you were to light one. Snapping your fingers is, unfortunately, not an option. Locate the lighter you bought in high school to look cool. Spend twenty minutes trying to get it to ignite. Acknowledge that it’s a really old lighter and deserves to retire. Visit a hardware store and look for matches. Go ahead and buy the big box of matches! Once you figure out how to light a candle, you will probably be lighting them all the time.
When you get home, clear everything from the kitchen table. Put away all the newspapers, the wooden salt and pepper grinders, the shopping bags, and your gems. Put your chosen candle in the middle of the table and place the matchbox next to it.
Load the candle into the candle holster. If you don’t have a candle holster, you can also use a candle harness. Both of these are simple contraptions that you can make with rubber bands, twist ties, duct tape, and magnets.
Secure the candle holster or harness to the table so that the candle absolutely cannot tip over, even if you were to skip pebbles in the candle’s direction.
Build a brick fortress around the candle. If the candle does tip over somehow, despite your precautions, the bricks will trap the flames, keep you safe, and protect your gems. Make sure to leave an opening at the top of the fortress so that oxygen can reach the candle and the fire can keep burning. Remember, your goal is to light a flame so that you can look at it, think about eternity, and begin your hundred-per-cent, no-holds-barred relaxation experience.
Light the match. No, you have to do it because no one else is here. Do it quickly. Now reach over the fortress walls, hold the flame to the wick, and light that wick. Blow out the match. Done! Wipe your sweaty hands on your shirt.
Ease into your chair, gently place your hands in your lap, and sit.
No, you can’t look at your phone. Just sit there with your feet flat on the floor, preferably away from any part of the table, for extra safety. Imagine you are that tiny flame, gently surging and striving to get out of your seat. Nope, sit back down.
Count to thirty. You lit that candle and you’re sitting across from it. You did it! Feel proud that you conquered your fear of small fires and lit your first candle on your own. Take a photo of your candle and post it on Instagram.
Receive a call from your mom, who saw your Instagram post. Listen to her say, “I see that you are relaxing with a candle. Did you know that a thousand and forty-six people died last year because they lit a candle, the candle fell over, and then they caught on fire? You can make your own decisions. That is all I wanted to say.”
Blow out the candle. Feel your shoulder muscles un-tense. Take a deep breath. At last, you can truly relax.
