Attention, nineties kids! Grab your Pogs and poke that straw through your packet of Capri Sun, because this blast from the past will have you calling Carson Daly’s “TRL” to request some sense of normalcy. Here are a handful of the most out-there fads from back in the day that no one outside our generation will understand.
“ProStars”
“ProStars” was a bonkers 1991 NBC Saturday-morning cartoon in which the era’s most famous athletes—Bo Jackson, Michael Jordan, and Wayne Gretzky—fought crime. It’s crazy to think that there were ever sports.
Travel Agents
In order to score that trip to Club Med, your parents had to go in person to a travel agent instead of booking online. Today, no one goes anywhere.
“Friends”
“Friends,” one of the most popular shows on TV, was so unrealistic. The characters lived in giant apartments that they entered and exited without masks; they were always hanging out at Central Perk, a public coffee shop where they clustered inches from one another on a couch; and Rachel had a haircut. And don’t get us started on the laugh track—only nineties kids can recall amusement.
Friends
There used to be people you hung out with.
Dunkaroos
“You don’t just eat your Dunkaroos!” You also wash your hands first, then wash your hands again when you think maybe you missed a step, then wash your hands a third time, and finally give up without eating your Dunkaroos at all. Instead, you hide under the covers and wait for sleep. You’re never calm anymore, but sometimes you are asleep.
’NSync, Britney Spears, and Limp Bizkit
Close your eyes and reminisce about going to the record store to pick up your favorite new teen pop or rap-rock CD. It’s hard to believe that we ever went to the record store. Now it’s like, “Give me something to break? How about the illusion that you will ever be O.K. again?”
The Wall
Of course, the coolest record store in the mall was the Wall, with its so-called Lifetime Music Guarantee. Kids today would never believe that anything in this lifetime is guaranteed.
The Mall
The mall was a place where people shopped among throngs of other potential germ-carriers.
Ska-Punk
You made fun of your friend in checkered Vans and suspenders for dancing to this upbeat music genre, but these days you have to tip your fedora to the horn section—the coronavirus may not survive as long on brass as it does on many other surfaces.
Tamagotchi
Remember trying to sneak these digital pets into school, and how upset your teachers got when the little screen disrupted class? In 2020, every student is a tiny avatar on an LCD display, and it’s hard to imagine that a responsible person would bring a being of any sort into this cruel world.
Reebok Pumps
Did the pump on this shoe perform an actual function? And, in today’s broken economy, do you?
Hopes and Dreams
You used to think that conditions might not only continue to be satisfactory but also get better in the future. Within this framework, you even felt comfortable enough to aspire to achieve “goals” and to wish for specific improvements to your lot in life. Try explaining that to a Zoomer!
