“How to cut partner’s hair without destroying marriage”
“Can eating too much banana bread cause potassium hangover”
“What is day”
“How to train pug to talk so I can finally become TikTok famous”
“What to sprinkle onto partner’s banana bread so that he’s more inclined to watch ‘Sex and the City’ marathon with me”
“How to fake being on Zoom call”
“Zoom backgrounds that are not the same as everyone else’s lame Zoom backgrounds”
“How to cut partner’s hair without making it look like Mark Zuckerberg haircut”
“How to fix terrible haircut”
“Wigs for sale”
“So my pug can talk, now what”
“Can hairs on shoe brush be taped onto human head to simulate bangs”
“Historical origin of bangs”
“Why did medieval English boy-kings like bangs so much”
“Best medieval English boy-king movies on Netflix”
“Timothée Chalamet”
“Timothée Chalamet”
“Timothée Chalamet”
“Is Timothée Chalamet really that good-looking or is he just the Freddie Prinze, Jr., of our time”
“Pug keeps asking when they’ll reopen the economy so I can go back to work and leave him alone, is this normal”
“How to lock Zoom call with boss to prevent Zoom bomb from improv troupe”
“Best e-cards for apologizing to boss about traumatic Zoom bomb”
“Who would win in a fight: adult hippopotamus or Chevy Silverado”
“But are hippos immune to the coronavirus though”
“How can hippos run twenty m.p.h. despite weighing four thousand pounds”
“How much banana bread can adult human eat before looking like hippo”
“Can ‘Sex and the City’ DVD box set be used as free weights”
“Excuses to cancel on partner’s cousin’s surprise birthday Zoom call”
“Best podcasts to quiet voices in head that keep saying to bake more banana bread”
“Pug keeps telling me I need more friends and that speed-walking to kitchen does not count as exercise help”
“Is it worth it to get abs during a global pandemic”
“Daniel Craig abs”
“Chris Hemsworth abs”
“Timothée Chalamet but buff”
“Screw this, time to find new sourdough recipes”
“How pale is too pale”
“Creative ways to apologize to partner about giving him Mark Zuckerberg haircut”
“Nearby flower delivery”
“Nearby divorce lawyer”
“Pug has started reading the news and now wants to go live with Andrew Cuomo”
“nytimes.com”
