A.P. Salary Negotiations
In this class, students, upon landing their first jobs at Baskin-Robbins, will be exposed to the colossal discomfort of salary negotiations. Each week, they will learn a different historical negotiation technique—from bartering donkeys in ancient Babylon to setting branded-video rates as a TikTok influencer in Venice Beach. Students will also study common negotiation strategies, like always speaking less than the hiring manager and growing accustomed to hearing a big “hahaha, absolutely not” if they are women.
Knowing When Not to Make Ambitious Social Plans Three Months in Advance So You Can Finally Stop Cancelling Day-Of
This is an independent-study course, which has students shadow exhausted adults who overscheduled themselves only to realize last-minute that they are doing way too much and just need a fucking break. Instructors will conduct weekly check-ins with students, as they monitor emotionally depleted adults who agree to brunch with Cayleigh three months in advance despite disliking Cayleigh.
Introduction to the Collapse of Modern Civilization
Learn how to acknowledge, accept, and smile through the collapse of the United States of America and the world at large. Each lecture will dissect the disintegration of different civilizations while students do mouth-strengthening exercises. The final exam will consist of students smiling through three hours of Tucker Carlson disdainfully lecturing about the dangers of diversity.*
*Warning: Past graduates have experienced mental breakdowns resulting in spending three months in bed watching only old episodes of “Love Island” (U.K. and Australia versions).
How to Turn Off Your Car’s Low-Tire-Pressure Alert (College-Extension Program)
A class description will be added when a qualified instructor is found.
A.P. Growing Up: How to Turn Thirty with Dignity
Approximately twelve years after graduating from high school, students will be turning thirty. Students in this advanced-placement course will learn about the biogenetic origins of existential dread, and how it can sneak up on them in the form of thoughts like, “What have I done with my life?”; “Is that a gray hair?”; and “How did Cayleigh get named to Forbes’ ‘30 Under 30’ for starting a business that sells vegan cat litter?”
Finding a Therapist and Learning to Accept That He or She Is Not Covered by Your Insurance
In this honors class, students will learn about best practices for finding a nurturing therapist who supports going to bed at nine-thirty on a Friday night after bingeing the History Channel’s “Counting Cars.” Past graduates have testified to how this course set them up for emotional success after they were forced to break up with Dr. Wardgrass because UnitedHealth only provides coverage to residents of Monaco. Textbooks include PsychologyToday.com and Craigslist.
Personal Finances 101: The Difference Between an I.R.A. and a Roth I.R.A.
Who cares—climate change will destroy us before you have a chance to retire. Class is graded on a fail/total-fail system.
How to Survive Boring Conversations at Boring Parties (Senior Elective)
Life won’t always be like high school. As an adult, you may find yourself at Cayleigh’s housewarming with people standing around holding real glasses of wine near a turntable playing Wilco on vinyl. It’s going to be rough. In this course, students will learn how to sneak out with tiny hors d’œuvres lining every inch of their pleather jackets.
How to Say No to Networking Opportunities/Unpaid Labor/Invitations to Weddings of People You Don’t Really Know
This class has been discontinued.
