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March 29, 2024
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Other Ways to Spend the N.Y.P.D.’s $5.6 Billion Annual Budget

Free Ice-Cream Cones for Every New Yorker

Five and a half billion dollars divided by the population of New York City (8.3 million) divided by the cost of an average New York City ice-cream cone (let’s say five dollars) equals a hundred and thirty-five free ice-cream cones for each New York City resident!

Peloton Memberships for However Many People $5.6 Billion Covers

Gyms have been closed since March, but, thanks to fancy new machines called stationary bikes, privileged New Yorkers have been able to stay in shape from the comfort and safety of their own apartments. We have no idea how much a Peloton membership costs, but billions of dollars should probably cover at least ten people’s fitness needs.

A Functional Network of Chutes and Ladders for Getting Around

The M.T.A. finally started cleaning the subway, but, owing to inevitable crowding, it’s still a far cry from a desirable mode of transportation. A climbing-and-sliding-based system would make it easier than ever to chute from Bay Ridge to the Upper East Side!

Fashion Police

Summer is here, bringing with it droves of would-be fashionistas whose outfits should be considered a crime. If officers spent more time enforcing reasonable fashion sense instead of escalating peaceful protests, the streets would be a safer and more aesthetically pleasing place for all of us.

Construct a Sixth Borough

Barry Diller is building a floating park in the Hudson River for two hundred and fifty million dollars. But, with billions freed up, the city could build an entire other borough: Off-Duty Island (working title), where civilians could gather peacefully to exercise their rights!

Tanks, but More Fun

Tank-builders have families, too. But, although tanks are pretty cool, militarized use of force against unarmed Americans is definitely not. New York should keep buying tanks but swap out their weapons for bumper guards, add some splashes of color, and make them publicly accessible. What used to be dangerous tools of war can now be family-friendly Citi Tanks!

Do Something About the New York Jets

From COVID-19 to police brutality, the city has suffered enough of late. So, when football season starts back up, let’s use the N.Y.P.D. budget to buy the Jets and prevent the team from causing us any more heartache by dissolving it altogether. We’ve tried reform for decades; now’s the time to #AbolishTheJets.

A New Streaming Service

Content isn’t cheap, but that doesn’t mean that New York City can’t compete! If Quibi was launched for a measily $1.75 billion, just imagine how N.Y.P.D.+ could dominate the streaming war, with shows such as “Excessive Force Makeover,” “Cop Friends,” “Sex and the City Cop,” and a revival of “Becker,” for some reason.

Just Give Five Lucky People $1.12 Billion Each

If you could pull a lever that defunded the police and entered your name in a raffle to become a billionaire overnight, wouldn’t you do it? Every year, New York could christen a quintet of new billionaires, who would bring unique perspectives to their tax bracket and, one hopes, change billionaire culture for the better. It could also go terribly wrong, but what else is new?

Fund Universal Health Care, Social Services, Early-Childhood Education, Youth Programs, and Affordable Housing for the City’s Disadvantaged and Vulnerable

Can you imagine?

Dump the Money in the River

Stuff the cash into sacks with dollar signs on them, as if they came from a bank heist in a silent film. Drive truck after truck to the Hudson River and just keep dumping the sacks into the water. Not unlike the historic Boston Tea Party, except it’d be a $5.6 Billion in Sacks of Money Party!

One Giant Ice-Cream Cone That Everyone Can Lick

With sprinkles! Essential workers get first dibs.

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