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March 29, 2024
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Ask Your Doctor

Illness runs in the family, so ask your doctor before settling on a family. You’ll want to make sure it’s right for you, which means consulting with a medical professional to determine that your mom is a good idea. (Sometimes moms are conceptually good but risky in practice.)

Ask your doctor before getting fired. Your doctor can let you know if you have a preëxisting condition that necessitates you not losing your insurance. Once you have a doctor’s opinion, you’ll at least know whether the firing is financially and physically devastating or just financially devastating.

Check with your doctor prior to allowing your employer-sponsored health insurance to run out. See if there’s anything your doctor can do to delay the end of the month. No, I personally can’t think of a way to slow the passage of time (short of being in quarantine for six months), but doctors go to school for so long—maybe they can work something out.

Ask your doctor before paying out of pocket for health care. You may be among the large percentage of people who are physically intolerant to going broke.

Whatever you ask your doctor, ask it via Zoom. You don’t want to get sick, or—much, much worse—get your doctor sick.

Before letting the government deny you health coverage during a pandemic, ask your doctor if this is a good idea. It’s always smart to check in with a medical professional, you know?

If you’re aggressively swiping on Hinge in the hopes of finding a partner with health insurance, you run the risk of acquiring an S.T.D. or COVID-19 or carpal tunnel. Ask your doctor before engaging in sexual intercourse with someone new. Pausing a date to call a doctor is the best known method of birth control.

See if your doctor has a strong opinion on you moving to a country with free health care. If your doctor thinks this is a good idea, check and see what it takes to gain citizenship in that country. Check and see if other countries are letting U.S. citizens across their borders. They’re not.

Ask your doctor before crying in desperation about the state of the world and your deteriorating mental and physical health. Some people have found crying dehydrating, and your doctor might not recommend it for you.

Ask your doctor prior to contracting any sort of illness. He or she will give you sound advice on which illnesses can be “slept off” (such as depression, according to my parents) and which require a medical intervention that you can’t afford (such as being single at thirty-two, according to my parents). Your doctor can also advise you on which diseases are covered by health insurance and which are not. This isn’t relevant to you, because you don’t have health insurance, but it is something to angrily tweet about.

Ask your doctor if it’s really like “Grey’s Anatomy.” I’ve always wondered.

Ask your doctor before developing a potentially fatal illness. Many doctors will advise against it. They may charge you seven hundred dollars for this advice, but that’s O.K., because it’s one of the few times you can really trust your health-care provider’s word. They may also try to charge you eight hundred dollars. If so, negotiate down to seven hundred and ninety-nine dollars.

Ask your doctor before dying. You don’t have health insurance, but you can see if your doctor might do anything to make you more comfortable, just this once. It’s the only time you’re going to ask, and they know that.

Ask your doctor before going to visit your doctor. Doctor’s visits are notoriously expensive.

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