CAPRICORN: You started off the year energized, but unforeseen circumstances have left you feeling listless. For a dynamic sign like the Goat, you’re tired all the time, and you’ve been finding it difficult to concentrate. This month, prepare to continue to not get any work done. Also, that lingering career anxiety you’ve been feeling isn’t just in your head after all! Don’t worry. It’s highly likely that your entire profession is screwed.
AQUARIUS: As an air sign, you love to travel, but, for some reason, you haven’t been running around as much lately. Ever since March, you’ve barely ventured out, instead spending the bulk of your time online. It’s a good thing you love technology, Aquarius, because the stars predict that you will be logging a lot of Zoom hours this month. Keep an eye out for a notice from your bank with some unwelcome news about your finances.
PISCES: Poor, sensitive Pisces. This really hasn’t been your year! Would it make you feel better to know that someone is admiring you from afar? That’s right, some attractive stranger’s eyes are set on you, dear Pisces! Unfortunately, you’ll probably never meet the person.
ARIES: Ever since Mercury entered Pisces in mid-March, you haven’t been able to shake an unusual anxiety. Much of your stress is related to new developments in your career, your health, your personal life, your family, global warming, income inequality, the state of our democracy, and the industry you work in. This month, buckle up, because it’s all about to get much worse. Oh, and you may receive some unfavorable information regarding your finances.
TAURUS: The moon entered your Tenth House of Career Success at some point, but I’ve lost track of when, as it’s all become a meaningless blur. That said, in normal times your career might be getting a boost right now, but a cosmic shift has thrown everything into limbo. Protect that rainy-day fund, responsible Taurus, as you’re about to get bad news about your finances.
GEMINI: As the life of the party, Gemini, you have a hard time settling down. But, with Jupiter in retrograde since mid-September, it might be a good moment to avoid social gatherings. The moon in your Seventh House of Not Being an Idiot suggests that going out in public is a mistake. But, if you do, wear a fucking mask.
CANCER: You seem pretty emotional lately, even for a Cancer. You are a sensitive creature who needs coaxing to come out of your shell. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen, at least not this month. Just remember that you’re not alone—well, at least metaphorically. Have you thought about adopting a pet? I know your sourdough starter is technically a living organism, but it won’t love you back.
LEO: You love drama, and, lucky for you, there’s a lot of it on TV right now! But, if your moon is in Cancer, Gemini, Capricorn, Scorpio, Aquarius, Virgo, Leo, Pisces, Sagittarius, Aries, Libra, or Taurus, I would avoid cable news. Also, I hope that you have a nest egg, because you are about to receive some troubling news regarding your finances.
VIRGO: How’s it going, control freak? The past few months have been a little rocky for you, and, sorry to say, the storm doesn’t appear to be subsiding. This month, try to stop obsessing about what you can’t control and focus instead on what you can control, like the amount of stuff you’ve been ordering on Amazon. Do you really need that six-dollar milk frother? The answer is yes.
LIBRA: Feeling a little lonely lately? If you’re single, there’s a good chance you’ll stay that way for the immediate future. If you’re in a relationship, good luck with that—everyone I know is breaking up. On the bright side, a medical breakthrough on the horizon might make it easier for you to navigate society. The bad news: you’re probably last in line for it.
SCORPIO: Scorpio is a natural homebody, but nine months in isolation is a lot, even for you. Since you’ve been moving around so much less lately, you may have put on a few pounds around your midsection, or all over your body. Don’t fret, dear Scorpio. Now that Venus has entered your Fifth House of It Doesn’t Even Matter Anymore, no one is likely to notice.
SAGITTARIUS: As one of the most resourceful signs of the zodiac, you have all the skills necessary to weather any storm, except for the one that’s currently approaching. We’re about to embark on an astrological apocalypse, which isn’t actually a thing, but what do I care? I’m not even an astrologer. I’m grasping at straws. (Remember straws?) Like everyone else in this country (except Jeff Bezos), I’m scrambling to find ways to monetize my skill set now that my profession (standup comedy) won’t be coming back anytime soon. Are you still reading this? Want to know what the stars have to say about your finances? It’s not looking good. ♦