I ’m so glad that your five tests came back negative and you’ll be able to join us for the holidays! We’re going to eat at six, so come over any time before! Oh, and I wanted to give you a quick heads-up—Mason still believes in Santa Claus. (We couldn’t resist stretching out the harmless myth for just one more year.) So, please, play along! We’ll be taking a bite out of the cookies Mason leaves under the tree and making soot footprints by the fireplace—the whole nine yards. Wait till you see Mason’s innocent eyes light up, though. It’s the cutest. He really believes.
And, while I have you, Mason also believes that whole-grain spelt wafers are “cookies.” And that two spelt wafers with avocado puree in the middle is an “Oreo.” We just can’t bring ourselves to give him sugar yet. So maybe you could help us in that department, too? To sell it, you should say “yummy” as you take a bite. Try to really mean it. And have a glass of something nearby—they are dry.
You see, once we realized how quickly Mason accepted our little white lie about Santa, we thought, We should be lying to him more. And not just to shield him from the hard truths of the world, but to help him become a happier, healthier, and more compliant boy!
Now, you asked me for some gift ideas. We don’t really do toys. In fact, if Mason asks you what toys are, please point to his conversational Mandarin flash cards. Our ruse was almost spoiled when he had a playdate with a neighbor’s child who brought a Batman figurine. Mason got a good look at it before we threw it in the incinerator, so Hamlin and I went to great lengths to explain that Batman was actually a “vape pen”—we call everything he’s not allowed to touch a “vape pen,” or “drugs,” or “screen time.” Anyway, I’m sure he’d love anything by James Baldwin. Or an accessory for his violin. Just wrap it in a Mattel box.
By the way, Mason also thinks that I’m still employed, that Ruth Bader Ginsburg is alive, and that Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are still married.
When I look at his sweet, easily duped face, it makes me wish someone would craft a lie like this for me! I’d be so much healthier if I thought kale was “chocolate,” bottled water was “wine,” and that our democracy was not teetering on a razor’s edge (all things Mason still believes, ha ha!).
Oh—one last thing. Could you act generally content around Mason? And effortlessly good-natured? I hate to ask, but Mason still believes that people are essentially good and that everything happens for a reason. We just don’t have the heart to shatter the illusion—and it’s hard! I mean, Hamlin and I are in the middle of an ugly divorce! We are not speaking, except to profess our undying love for one another in front of Mason. And that gets increasingly difficult the more we learn about each other’s cheating! But if we all stay on our toes, we should be able to sell it. Whatever you do, don’t bring up COVID. We told him that “Covid” was a city in Slovakia (geography lessons be damned). So—wink, wink—mum’s the word!
Like Mason’s kindergarten teacher, you’re probably thinking, isn’t this all a bit much? Doesn’t Mason deserve a chance to discover the world as it is? To which I’d say, “No, and I’m withdrawing my child from your school.” Think about it: if we can keep up this charade for another year or so, we’ll be giving Mason a beautiful gift! We are giving him the world as it should be. Yes, we’re growing a flower in a hothouse. So don’t enter our hothouse with your refined sugar or nuance!
I know we’re kind of asking a lot here. But wait till you see how sweet, simple Mason laps it up when we act kind to each other and pretend there is justice in the world. He’s like a kid on Christmas morning! We told him “morning” was anytime after 10 A.M. We can’t bear to get up before then.
