Marine posted outside Oval Office no longer required to clutch Ivanka Trump-brand handbag.
Carnivorous flowers uprooted from White House Rose Garden.
All American flags on premises provided with round-the-clock access to trauma counsellor.
No more twenty-dollar-per-night Wi-Fi charge for guests.
Security doorbell camera now aimed outside the house.
Grab ’Em by the Pussy Wing renamed.
Gigantic Emanuel Leutze painting “Trump Crossing the River Styx” removed and burned.
Tricked-out Sonos system and haptic gamer thrones added to the Calvin Coolidge Chillax Suite.
KFC stains professionally removed from Lincoln Bedroom walls.
That couch on the second floor? The Q Shaman has been permanently banned from it.
“World’s No. 1 President” crystal goblets gone.
The Pardon Xpress Lane now an actual White House entrance.
Crying Room for staff converted into sunny, open-air day-care space.
Taco Bell Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Saturdays, and oftentimes Thursdays taken off White House calendar.
Basement portal to Hell caulked over.
“Flynnocent”-monogrammed paper napkins replaced with plain cloth variety.
White House cafeteria no longer acceping Trump Krazy Kash.
Frames now filled with actual family photos and not the generic ones they came with.
Chocolate fountain offering varieties beyond white chocolate only.
Chief usher no longer forced to wear horned helmet.
All copper wiring pawned by Eric and Don, Jr., has been replaced.
“APPLAUD!” signs removed from media briefing room.
Anti-harassment training videos no longer to include graphic sex scenes.
Dispensers in lavatories to once again dispense soap and not hair dye.
Security code required for entry upgraded from “I know Trump from Parler, O.K.?”
A.T.M.s to dispense cash and not Bitcoin.
Visiting world dignitaries no longer forced to valet park.
David Koch marble mausoleum dismantled.
Furniture no longer on layaway plan.
Continental breakfast now free!
Secret Service nickname for the President no longer contains a curse word.
Gaudy gold stair-lift chair replaced with less garish mahogany stair-lift chair.
Oval Office no longer referred to in memos as Fake Circle Office.
Staff to once again use their real names instead of numbers.
Shock collars removed from around necks of members of White House press corps.
Sean Spicer no longer allowed to roam the grounds in jester costume.
Bumper guards taken off basement-bowling-alley gutters.
Dish TV receiver that’s been bolted to the North Portico since George W. Bush years finally dismantled.
New bench installed in the Rose Garden, where Republican visitors can rest and try to remember why they were so worked up about Hunter Biden.
New litter box for the feral cats that famously roam the hallways.
Popcorn ceilings in the Situation Room finally removed—talk about a “situation”!
Muscle implants extracted from columns in North Portico.
Massive strands of strange, noxious resin burned off walls and ceiling of former First Lady’s bedroom.
Household staff no longer paid in pieces of 2016-electoral-map jigsaw puzzle.
Exsanguinated under-secretary returned to next of kin after being removed from Stephen Miller’s office.
Mural prominently featuring nuclear-launch codes scrubbed from Oval Office reception area.
Top-secret security clearance revoked from the Oak Ridge Boys.
Guest-suite peepholes installed by Trump sealed off, while those installed by Presidents Obama, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Truman, Hoover, Coolidge, Wilson, Taft, Cleveland, Garfield, Hayes, Johnson, Lincoln, Buchanan, Polk, Pierce, Tyler, Jackson, Quincy Adams, Adams, and Washington to remain.
Biweekly sweeps of White House ventilation system instituted, to remove any of Stephen Miller’s remaining egg sacs.
Reinstitution of the “scrunchie on the doorknob” system for the Lincoln Bedroom.
Air Force One no longer rented out for bachelor parties and proms.
Soaking tubs, cigarette machines, and selfie sticks placed in White House guest bathrooms for visits from Hunter.
Trump’s high scores on Galaga erased.
Everywhere you go, the faint aroma of Fixodent piped in.
Miniature Dover Amtrak station built in garden, for whenever the President misses his choo-choo days.
New “stud pen” for impotent Dem-party mascot Delano the Donkey.
Cords plugged back into phones in Oval Office.
White House executive chef no longer needs to worry about keeping “tantrum snacks” in stock.
Nine hundred televisions removed, leaving only a respectable eighty, none of them flatscreen.
White House tours no longer include President Trump’s Hall of Disgusting Losers & Haters.
Stately bronze bust of James Woods retouched so that it sort of passes for Woodrow Wilson.
Out of an abundance of caution, Mike Pompeo’s personal bathroom completely encased in concrete.
Mayor McCheese removed from official White House china.
