Like annoying parties we’re required to go to, social media demands our presence even to the detriment of our self-esteem. Here’s a guide for how to deal.
Instagram is your most popular friend’s party
There are so many people at this party. Pretty much anyone who’s anyone. Also, many who are no one.
How to show up: Make sure you look your best and bring an aesthetically pleasing bottle of wine. Absolutely do not arrive on time.
What to watch out for: Be careful—this is a party where you’re likely to get cornered by a thirsty dude, run into an ex, or get trapped in a conversation with someone about their new podcast. When you step out for some fresh air, you will definitely encounter people who are “too cool” for Instagram. You’ll know who they are because that’s all they’ll talk about.
When to leave: Pictures last forever. Get in a few of them, then scram. It will seem like you stayed a while, but, in reality, you were back home by 10 P.M. watching “Real Housewives” and eating some sort of cheesy bread.
TikTok is your younger cousin’s party
Whoops, you’re definitely the oldest person here. You won’t recognize the music because it’s all remixed by a Russian d.j. whom everyone but you knows about.
How to show up: Bring vodka. Make sure you are dressed to the nines but at the same time don’t look like you’re trying too hard. Impossible? Yes.
What to watch out for: Unfortunately, you will have to drink a few shots to earn the youths’ respect. From there, it’s a slippery slope to attempting to copy their dance moves, and failing miserably. Make sure to drink lots of water.
When to leave: Twenty minutes ago. Go be with your kind, among whom you don’t have to look up slang on Urban Dictionary.
Twitter is your college friend’s gathering
Ah, your smartest friend is hosting a “gathering,” which means twenty pseudo-intellectuals who are revved up and ready to converse about the American political system. Nightmare.
How to show up: Bring a shareable snack and skim through news headlines on your way there. Every break in conversation will give a guy with thick-framed glasses an excuse to explain things to you.
What to watch out for: Keep topics of discussion superficial. Once someone starts quoting a think piece, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.
When to leave: The moment you hear any of the following words or phrases—“NPR,” “the Daily,” “the economy”—start running and never look back!
Facebook is your parents’ annual party
Yes, you have to go or else you’ll never hear the end of it. Aunts, uncles, and annoying neighbors galore—finally, all the people you’ve muted on Facebook in one place.
How to show up: Extremely early. That way you can help your parents set up and earn brownie points to redeem when you want to bail. Bring something homemade or buy something and wrap it in tinfoil.
What to watch out for: Drunk old people with opinions. Keep all your answers to one sentence, max. How’s work? Great, just got promoted. Are you single? Yes, but I’m dating. Do you think ______ is the problem with this country? No, but hold that thought, I have to go help my dad in the kitchen and also scream into a pillow.
When to leave: Eat as many fried things as you can get your hands on, stuff some into your purse, and jet.
LinkedIn is your work party
You already see these people for tens of hours every week—now you have to see them during your free time too? Honestly, you don’t have to go to this party. But, if you do, make sure your one cool co-worker is going to be there. Or else it’ll just be you and fifteen girls named Katie.
How to show up: Late. Who cares? You’re here to capitalize on the free booze and snacks. That’s what they get for making you work overtime.
What to watch out for: That one co-worker who will inevitably make a pass at you. Gross. Glenn is mediocre at his job, and he’ll be mediocre in bed.
When to leave: As soon as you start feeling a little tipsy. This is not the place for you to let loose and be yourself. It’s going to be awkward as hell to see these people in the harsh light of Monday if you spend Friday grinding to Megan Thee Stallion. Don’t mix dark and clear liquors, don’t mix business and pleasure, and definitely don’t get mixed up with Glenn.
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