With the time and effort it requires, sometimes dating can feel like a job––but, unfortunately, saying that you’re single does nothing for your résumé. Here are a few ways to adapt your dating experiences into professional, C.V.-worthy titles and descriptions.
Casting Director
Selecting from a mix of seasoned stars and aspiring hopefuls, I judge the performance and competence of prospects vying for the role. They audition for me, and I insure that only the most talented move forward.
Head of Partnerships
I am in charge of seeking out and acquiring the best partnerships for the brand. Despite a handful of poor acquisitions, my efforts have ultimately contributed to over-all growth, increasing my standards by more than three thousand per cent.
Research Scientist
I routinely hypothesize, experiment, collect data, analyze, and overanalyze the results, then share my findings with interested audiences––most of whom are thrilled to no longer be doing this kind of tedious research.
Freelance Copy Editor
When a potential date sends a message full of grammatical errors, I decide if the gig is hot enough to work through ongoing syntactic challenges.
Wedding Coördinator
I am coördinating my future nuptials by continuing to date people who I think are worthy of marrying me, eventually.
Couples Counsellor
As your standard third, fifth, or nineteenth wheel, I mediate for friends and their significant others in petty disputes. (This includes times when I’ve caused the problem.)
City Tour Guide
When someone attractive includes “New in town––show me around!” in their dating profile, I will show them one or two of my first-date bars, point out one landmark, and explain the city’s historical significance as it relates to my dating life.
Content Strategist
As a single person on social media, I make sure that my followers get access to the best, most on-brand content about the highs and lows of being unattached. Although they have not yet witnessed an engagement, I have created an impressive amount of it.
Investigative Reporter
Connecting with potential partners on the Internet means that I’m required to do my due diligence before meeting in real life. These research skills, which have been applauded by the F.B.I., help me get the information that I need to decide if a story is worth pursuing.
Public-Relations Specialist
I create and maintain a favorable image of my client (me) and self-promote with limited resources. I can also do swift damage control if my client tarnishes her reputation in any medium, particularly in her crush’s D.M.s after two or three glasses of wine.
Junior Botanist
With no significant romantic obligations, I dedicate all my extra time and attention to amassing plants and finding new and innovative ways to keep them alive.
Chief Investment Officer
I manage and monitor all investments—emotional, financial, and physical—to ascertain that they are secure and do not pose a threat to the foundation of this private entity.
Ghostwriter
Not only do I write top-notch bios and messages for single friends who ask for help on dating apps but I’ve also been known to force terrible dates to decipher my silence via text.
Landscaper
I can adequately trim the bushes on short notice, just on the off chance that someone might see the yard.
Mathematician
As an aging single woman, I am proficient at calculating the number of good years I have left in which to procreate, the number of days it’s been since I last heard from that one guy, and the hours I’ve spent swiping on apps, in an attempt to figure out how it all adds up.
Optometrist
I make sure that men can clearly see what a vision I am.
Baseball Coach
When it comes to winners, losers, strategy, competition, balls, amateurs, scoring, game-time decisions, leagues, and alternates, I’m an expert in my field. Additionally, I’m well versed in signalling to players that it’s a good time to go to second base.
