The Biden Administration’s immigration policy represents a radical shift from those of previous White Houses. As Secretary of Spirituality, I’ve been called upon to shepherd non-citizens on this new journey. It’s time to rectify the mistakes of the past, by following Biden’s eightfold path to citizenship.
1. Right View
We cannot break from our predecessors without first changing our mind-set. No longer will we carelessly process application after application. We must stop and ask ourselves, Where is this applicant going? America? Right, yes, America.
Expect us to remain in this state of contemplation for no fewer than sixteen months before sending a confirmation message.
2. Right Intention
Requiring you to fill out paperwork with a quill pen, to take one passport photo every day for a year, and to travel to your nearest embassy in search of the crystal shavings we use to stamp your application? This is merely how we gauge your commitment.
3. Right Speech
Words have power, and our immigration forms have long needed more thoughtful and loving language. From here on out, all U.S.C.I.S. documents will be printed in Papyrus font and feature motivational epigraphs.
4. Right Conduct
We urge applicants to rid themselves of material goods and possess only what is essential to life. Non-citizens should purge thirty per cent of their income to pay taxes. Green-card-seekers can expect to part ways with seventeen hundred and sixty dollars in application fees. It is righteous to fund services that one may not enjoy at this stage of the path.
5. Right Livelihood
Everyone must make a living, but some careers are less honorable than others. We will rid ourselves of illicit dealings by privatizing detention centers whenever possible. Government-run detention centers will close on a rolling basis after we’ve adequately saged the facilities.
6. Right Effort
A positive mind-set is vital. Some who have been wrongfully deported under previous Administrations will be permitted to return. Some who have previously been permitted to stay will be deported. Nature is cyclical and immune to the value judgments of man.
“Right” or “wrong” is simply conjecture. Everything exists in a relation to all other things—look no further than how our actions on the world stage create the very conditions that necessitate your application for refugee status.
7. Right Mindfulness
Live in the moment, and soon you’ll see that it takes only five years to obtain a green card, if you subscribe to a linear notion of time. Your citizenship status is something that you will always pursue. The difference between a second and a decade should be imperceptible with the correct mind-set. This is why we’re the first Administration to offer guided meditations during application wait periods.
Mantras will be assigned at your own cost.
8. Right Concentration
Once you’ve learned how to properly meditate, you can turn your focus to a single object. For this Administration, that focus will be on border security. This is where our path converges with that of previous Administrations. We will manifest our focussed thoughts by introducing tunic uniforms for all ICE agents and expanding background checks to include past lives.
