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Fitness Terms (and What I Assume They Mean)

Dumbbells—bells of any kind, really—are an essential part of gym life. When the dumbbells ring, it’s time to move on to the next workout.

When muscular people point out one another’s amazing bodies—spotting them, so to speak.

When gymfolk swell to the point that they rip through their clothing, à la the Hulk.

Medicine Ball
An exclusive annual party that fit people attend.

When you work out so hard that time itself becomes circular. A state of euphoria known only to the buff.

Most fit people have their own agents, or reps, who accompany them to the gym, feed them protein, towel off their bodies, etc.

To entertain the muscular, fitness studios will often hire the lesser-toned to perform comedy, music, and live theatre.

Free Weight
Famous for not knowing their own strength, the burly will occasionally lift a weight so well that it flies through the air.

Burning Calories
Dozens of calories will be shed in the course of a workout. A gym’s cleaning staff is responsible for sweeping those calories into the incinerator.

Leg Day
A day of observance on which the muscular contemplate their single biggest muscle: the leg. Ceremonies will usually continue well into the evening, at which point it becomes leg night.

Kettlebells ring at teatime, though no tea is served. The term, which originated in the U.K., riffs on the hot bodies of gym-goers, but the allusion to boiling water is mostly lost on the American public.

Bench Press
The fitness media, which covers the biggest muscles and the hottest bods.

Core Training
Before one may join the gym’s upper levels (where hunks abound), they must grind it out in the boiler room, menacingly referred to as the core.

Pump Iron
An homage to the foundries where muscles were first discovered by extruding (or “pumping”) vats of molten iron ore. Hence the variant expression: to ’strude ore.

Resistance Band
Turf wars have been known to break out when the iron is pumping and the testosterone is flowing. Gym-goers and their reps will form splinter factions, or resistance bands.

Hair muscle. Key to hotness.

When an annual gym membership is cheaper than twelve monthly payments.

A female rapper known for such bangers as “I Like It,” “Money,” and “WAP.” Popular at the gym.

Foam Roller
Swollen muscles are treated with the magical power of foam. Foam is effectively a currency of the muscled class, and those who have it in large quantities are affectionately referred to as foam rollers.

Spin Class
Shedding calories via centrifugal force. Extremely advanced.

Unbeknownst to most, gym-goers spend as much time working on their manners as they do on their bodies.

Abandoned gyms where people get ripped illegally.

Plyometrics and Isometrics
Gibberish-based passwords that will grant you access to most gyms.

Short for high-intensity interval training, HIIT refers to such gruelling activities as putting on exercise clothing, getting in your car, and driving to the gym.

Four beefy dudes.

More Humor

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