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June 5, 2023
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A Half-True List of All the Things I Got Done While Instagram Was Down

As most social-media users are aware, this week Facebook and Instagram experienced a major outage affecting millions of users across the globe. Having totally accomplished the entire following list of tasks while Facebook and Instagram were down, I now understand the true severity of social media’s dominion over our every waking moment. (Only hyperbolized a little bit.)

Cleaned and folded all of my laundry.

Did seven hundred pushups like it was no big deal.

Vacuumed my apartment.

Beat the A.I. Deep Blue in chess.

Sent a few follow-up e-mails.

Freed Britney.

Finally D.M.’d someone I’ve had a crush on for weeks.

Pitched my James Bond script, “A Little Bit of Time to Die if You Would Just Be Vigilant About Organizing Your Calendar.”

Took out the trash.

Learned to play the flute and, in short order, became a renowned flutist.

Read a few paragraphs of a book before getting bored.

Read every book I own, including “Infinite Jest,” without getting bored.

Cleaned my bathroom.

Did seven hundred sit-ups. Again, no sweat.

Tweeted some things that were relatively funny.

Learned from Wikipedia that Oprah’s given name was Orpah. Google it.

Wrote this.

Got an Emmy. (Didn’t win—stole it from John Oliver’s home.)

Tried meditation again, which turned into a nap.

Unlearned all the negative subconscious biases I had against people I interact with, realizing that they were all based on socialization and also my own trauma.

Got anxious about society’s breakneck rush toward collapse.

Finally destroyed my nemesis, the Phillie Phanatic.

Spent all day checking over and over again whether Instagram had come back online.

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