Ugh! Dating is really hard these days, especially if you’re someone like me, who has standards, a busy schedule, and a YouTube channel of “conspiracy” theories about the “moon landing.” And no, before you ask, I will not get into it!
People are always saying that there’s “someone out there for everyone.” But if that’s true how come no one wants to go on a second date with me to my apartment? I have lasers in there and a vintage “Pulp Fiction” poster, but my dates would rather go to some boring bar and play darts. Well, guess what? I also have a dartboard at my place but no darts, so we’ll have to use knives.
I’m sure there are good people out there, but I’ll tell you this: I haven’t run into any. And it’s not like I’m not looking! Every week, I drive to my old high-school parking lot to reminisce about when I peaked, junior year, and then to my local Dave & Buster’s, where I engage my fellow-drinkers in conversation on the latest cultural happenings—whether it’s recapping the “Bachelor Recap Podcast,” comparing inspirational photos of that balloon-quotes guy from Instagram, or sharing insights about my anxious attachment style (which is why I tend to ghost so much). Sometimes, I’ll even take time out of my day to explain how the economy works. You’re welcome!
I always tip the bartender with a copy of my latest “The Chair” fan fiction. (I gave in and watched it so that Netflix would leave me in peace.) Yes, I am somewhat of a writer in that I’m always writing something—usually verbose political tirades on my Instagram Stories or poetry about my distant father.
I know what you’re thinking: Shouldn’t I tip the bartender with money? Sure. But to be a successful entrepreneur like me you have to be willing to be different. My goal is to be a millionaire by thirty-five. And that’s gonna take hustle, drive, and early-morning runs.
So I could tip the bartender five dollars like every other Joe Schmo. Or I could invest my dollar in the market and build my wealth now. To go where no one else has gone, you have to do what no one else has done. Ha! See, I just explained the economy to you. You’re welcome!
At the end of the day, there are not many people out there who can appreciate my funny jokes (like, how iPhones are better Androids) or my tattoos. I have a couple of tats that are Pablo Neruda quotes about love. My favorite one says “In one kiss, you’ll know what I said.” But it’s been a while since anyone has seen my ass and been able to appreciate it.
You’re probably wondering what my type is. I like someone who travels. I myself am always jet-setting. If it’s not Mexico, then it’s Hawaii. The Maui mayor recently asked tourists to stop visiting, owing to a shortage of hospitality workers and rising COVID numbers. That is why it’s the perfect time to go for an authentic, discount experience.
Finally, I need someone who can be patient with me, because, well, I have flaws, too! I love hard and fast. I’m the kind of person who falls in love at first sight. I also have a short temper and an even shorter attention span. I need someone who is willing to let me listen to Drake for a few days before I’m ready to talk. I need someone who can really read me and my mind.
A lot of people don’t get my emotions—sometimes they’re even too complicated for me to understand. It’s why I’m so aloof. At least that’s what I’ve learned from therapy TikTok.
