MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Vladimir Putin thinks that negotiating with the United States would be “so much easier” if he possessed a pee tape of President Joe Biden, the Russian leader has confirmed.
Speaking to reporters about his lengthy phone conversation with Biden regarding Ukraine, Putin said, “I kept thinking to myself, I wish I had a pee tape of this guy.”
After hanging up with the U.S. President, Putin ordered Russian intelligence officials to scour their archives for a Biden pee tape, but they came up empty.
“They mainly found a lot of footage of him saying things he didn’t mean to say,” Putin said. “Nothing great.”
The Russian President said that the absence of a Biden pee tape will make Russia’s dealings with the United States “more challenging.”
“It is what it is,” he said wistfully.
