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March 29, 2024
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Help! I’m Watching a Christopher Nolan Movie Without Subtitles

We are watching this Chris Nolan film without subtitles, and I have no idea what is going on.

Subtitles are the raft that keeps me afloat from A story to B story. Without them, I am lost. Wandering through a forest without a map. At a Vegas buffet without chafing-dish labels.

In fact, if Zuckerberg developed a way for me to have subtitles implanted into my eye sockets, I would totally forgive him for the whole destruction-of-democracy thing.

It all started when my friends insisted that we watch “Tenet.” I didn’t protest—even though I really wanted to watch “The Lion King.” Yes, I know it was a cash grab by Disney and that the animation looks like uncooked meat, but Beyoncé is in it, so show some respect.

Then my friend Warren said that we should watch the movie without subtitles, as they distract from the cinematography.

Whatever, Warren—we get it. You majored in film, and now you have to constantly remind people of that by shoehorning phrases like “mise en scène” into conversations, because otherwise you’d have to accept the reality that you’re just a boring guy with an office job like the rest of us.

Anyway, now here we are, forty-five minutes into the movie—or are we three hours in? I’ve lost track of time, as well as the topography of my existence—and I haven’t a clue what’s going on.

So I must do what I have never done before—solve the puzzle of this plot without the assistance of subtitles.

The main character just said something important. Why did he have to say it so quietly? Warren looks nervous, so it must be pivotal in some way. Or is that just Warren’s face? Is Warren doing O.K.? Should I be checking in on him? Am I a bad friend?

Oh, shit. Explosion. O.K., it’s definitely the movie and not Warren’s failing marriage that has him stressed.

Wait, Robert Pattinson is in this? How is he in everything? Who is this guy’s agent?

Now the characters are arguing. And yet they’re still whispering. I made out the word “inverted.” That’s something. Now I must use that one word to work out what the hell is going on.

I already asked “What did he say?” twice. I have one more “What did he say?” left in my arsenal before my friends think I’m stupid. I can’t use it yet. I must try harder to understand.

Maybe it’ll help if I turn up the volume. Nice—that’s better. I just understood an entire sentence and FUCK! It’s so loud! Goddammit! There’s a car chase and my eardrums are about to burst. All right, I’ll turn it back down!

Great, here they go, mumbling again. In a British accent, too. Why did we even bother to overthrow the British colonial monarchy if, two hundred years later, I still have to stop myself from eating potato chips so that I don’t miss any dialogue?

As if time travel isn’t already complicated enough, the director had to also Nolan-ify it. Is he trying to get extra credit or something?

That man must be so anxious when he’s writing his scripts. I hope he finds peace and writes an ABC Family rom-com one day with a predictable plot and cliché characters. He deserves it.

Now we are halfway through this movie. Or this is the end. We could honestly be watching an entirely different movie and I wouldn’t know. So what is “Tenet”? That’s a person, right? Although I don’t think I’ve heard anyone call someone Tenet. Maybe they’ll say the word at the climax and the music will swell.

Or, wait, did they already say the word?

And why are they on a boat now? And now they’re in India? I thought they were in Russia? Time is going both forward and backward? Who is that? Who am I? If there were a gun to my head, I couldn’t answer these questions.

Is this movie a prank? It has to be a prank. Warren and my friends seem to be in on it.

Maybe I don’t know the English language as well as I thought I did. Maybe none of us do. Maybe none of us understand anything as well as we think we do. Maybe that’s the point the movie is trying to make.

Oh, shit, did I just understand this movie?

Wow. Turns out that I don’t need subtitles! The subtitles were within me this whole time! Never mind, there’s still an hour left.


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