Gen X killed the radio star, millennials corked the wine industry, and Gen Z made everyone self-conscious about skinny jeans. But it’s time to discuss Generation Alpha (b. 2010-present), which will be remembered as the generation that finally destroyed our just society and strong economy. I know all about this because I’ve done both quantitative research (am older, thus wiser) and qualitative research (have a Gen Alpha nephew, Liam). Here’s what Gen Alpha-ers are ruining.
United States Postal Service
The U.S.P.S. is in deep, deep trouble because Generation Alpha is simply not mailing letters, owing to “electronic mail” and “still learning how to read.” So, beware—if this trend persists, the Post Office might return to the Great Sender in the Sky!
College
Studies show that Generation Alpha is attending college in such drastically lower numbers that so far zero Gen Alphas have gone on to higher learning. The livelihoods of bursars are at stake, not to mention the madcap legacy of “Animal House.” Generation Alpha gets an F!
Marriage
Alphas are simply not getting hitched. Throughout my thorough investigation, I unearthed only one marriage, which according to my nephew Liam lasted just thirty minutes, taking place during recess and ending by gym. Liam also said in no uncertain terms that I will never marry because I am “intrinsically unlovable.” Kids these days . . .
Lawn Care
Data suggest that newer generations are investing less in the maintenance of their lawns. In fact, I hired Liam to mow my front yard and he did an incredibly bad job. I found him sitting next to a large pile of leaves that he kept trying to steer me toward. I don’t have a tree!
Personal Property
I’ve read that the future will be more about collective ownership. And in fact Liam keeps referring to my girlfriend as “our girlfriend” and my toothbrush as “our toothbrush.” Also, he keeps reciting my Social Security number in a haunting sing-song and has mentioned an L.L.C. that we co-own?
Comedy
I asked Liam’s parents what was going on with the whole L.L.C. thing, and they claimed that it was some TikTok prank trend. That’s what passes for funny? Meanwhile, the kids are so sensitive to my humor that I’m in constant danger of being cancelled. Am I the snowflake now? No, I’m Otter from “Animal House,” and the kids are that uptight, snooty dean!
Privatized Wi-Fi
There’s a movement afoot for universal Wi-Fi, so, as a typical Gen Alpha-er, Liam insists on using my network password. I noticed that all his Google searches are for stuff like “medieval torture” and “how to medieval torture.” It’s heartening to see the youth interested in history, I guess.
Gyms
Who needs them, when a cyber-personal-trainer can be beamed into your home via any number of devices! Since I have trouble with Zoom, Liam built something that he said would help with my back problems. It’s called “the rack.” It felt pretty good at the beginning.
Hotels
The hospitality industry is at risk, thanks to apps that allow people to rent one another’s homes directly. Anyway, Liam apologized for the whole rack thing by booking me a night in a swanky hotel. When I entered the room, there was a chalk outline on the carpet. An overwhelming urge compelled me to lie down in it, and, lo and behold, it was an exact match for my body shape, even the elongated midsection! Liam emerged from the shadows, and the room began to spin. Liam, no—
