MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest round of sanctions targeting Russia, the world’s manufacturers of performance-enhancing drugs have halted all shipments to Vladimir Putin’s nation.
A spokesman for the International Alliance of Performance-Enhancing Drugmakers announced that its member companies would “no longer provide the illegal substances that for decades have been essential to Russia’s Olympic success.”
Additionally, the spokesman said, a planned pipeline that would deliver such drugs as the heart medication trimetazidine from a manufacturing plant directly into state-run Russian gymnasiums would no longer be built.
Addressing the sanctions on Russian state television, a visibly rattled Putin said, “Anyone who attacks Russia’s ability to dope its athletes is striking at one of our nation’s grandest traditions. This will not stand.”
Despite Putin’s defiant pose, however, a Kremlin source said that mounting sanctions are starting to weigh on the Russian leader. “You know you’ve messed up when even Switzerland is pissed at you,” the source said.
