“Quickly Bitten”
The true story of what went down with Quibi. In a “Dr. Strangelove”-esque move, Adam Driver plays every Quibi executive.
“Baffled”
Hopping on the anything-tangentially-related-to-Princess-Diana bandwagon, this will be a show about how Kristen Stewart was snubbed by BAFTA for her role as Diana in “Spencer.” Kristen Stewart will be played by Sarah Paulson, and, since there’s not much plot here, it will be mostly vibes. It will win every Emmy.
“The Hedgehog’s Smile”
Key and Peele will play the animators who gave Sonic the Hedgehog those realistic teeth, which were universally rejected by audiences when the first trailer dropped. Now they need to reanimate the whole movie. Most episodes have about fourteen minutes of story and are filled out with very long clips from the actual Sonic movie.
“Truth and Limes”
Dakota Johnson once gave a tour of her home in which she said that she loved limes, only to subsequently reveal that she actually is allergic to them. In ten episodes, this show will explore exactly what in her childhood led her to tell such a lie. Sarah Paulson stars as Dakota Johnson, and Joaquin Phoenix is the voice of a lime.
“The 2016 Election”
We all want to relive this one, right?
“Untitled COVID Miniseries but Set in March, 2021, Project”
An ever-so-slightly outdated dramedy about the pandemic. What were the memes then? Vaxxed-girl summer? Cool, so now it’s called “Vaxxed-Girl Summer.” Get ready to see Zendaya, Tiffany Haddish, and Brie Larson living in a world very much like our own, but with jokes. It will autoplay when you open Netflix and therefore become a huge hit.
“Tiny Glasses”
Remember that recent summer when everybody was wearing really tiny sunglasses? This show’s about that. Adam Driver, Sarah Paulson, and Jean-Luc Godard star as people wearing tiny glasses.
“Tom Brady Retired”
He did! We all read about it in the news. Quick, somebody, make the TV show of that happening! Before we forget! Please—I can feel it slipping away like tears in the rain. I am begging you. Here’s a hundred million dollars.
