A bunch of extras, all named Chris
Apparently, it’s a thing that there are a bunch of actors named Chris in the Marvel movies, so this would set me up for some hilarious bits about my favorite Chris not being one of the famous ones but, like, Chris Lansky, from Atlanta, who’s done a lot of community theater and is really close with his mom.
Speaking of moms, my mom
She doesn’t really care about these movies and has fun energy, so she would be totally unintimidated and instantly bond with Mark Ruffalo over some weird yet wholesome shared hobby. I would inevitably get jealous of their friendship, and then the whole cast would be, all, “Can you believe how much of a bitch she is to her mom?” Actually, scratch this idea.
My dad
He also doesn’t really care about these movies and would just wander around, touching million-dollar set pieces and calling them “neat.”
The casts of every reboot currently in the works
This kind of just seems like something that Hollywood needs to get out of its system, for some reason? So, if the dark, “Riverdale”-esque take on “Doogie Howser” that is slated for the fall 2019 pilot season could be quietly playing in the background of a big superhero fight scene, everyone would really appreciate it because enough already.
The P.S. 22 choir
This is that choir of public-school kids that does really haunting and beautiful renditions of pop songs. There are easily five thousand people in this movie already, so I want them there, too, and it’s non-negotiable. Also, their raw, emotional cover of some Ed Sheeran song could add depth to the scene where someone’s girlfriend dies to advance the plot. (I don’t need to see any of these movies to know that this happens in nearly all of them.)
My ex-boyfriend who loves the Marvel Universe
I would invite him to set under the guise of casting him in a small speaking role, but when he gets there the blondest Chris will say he’d heard all about him and that he a-hundred-per-cent agrees with me that, yes, my ex is a total sociopath. My ex is completely devastated and has to take an Uber home. As per my orders, no one at the studio will reimburse him.
The “Queer Eye” guys
I’m obsessed with everything that these angelic yet no-nonsense cultural mavens do, and if having them involved doesn’t make these movies interesting to me, I will finally accept that I don’t care and never will. I’m sorry, society.
Wonder Woman
I am pleased to inform you that I did see this movie, and I loved it, so now I want her to have some kind of badass cameo in every superhero movie and throw a random plane like a javelin, or something. Oh, you’ve already cast two women in this one? Never mind.
My book club
O.K., so we resolved to read more nonfiction this year, but the last eight times we were supposed to meet, everyone texted an hour beforehand that they were “sorry to flake—this week is insane.” If it takes a guarantee that every member can feel one Chris bicep to get you all together to talk about this godforsaken political biography, then so be it.
