Hey, besties! Thank you soooo much for agreeing to be my bridesmaids. I cannot wait to be getting down to Sabrina Carpenter on the dance floor with you all soon! But, before that can happen, I just have a few little things I want to say, and boundaries to set, that should make my big day a breeze.
CAKE: As you’re all aware, I have a monster sweet tooth. (Danny sure learned the hard way not to get between me and my Nerds Clusters!) Hayley, I know you have that peanut allergy, but this is my only wedding day, and I am so sorry about this but I’m going to have a pretty peanut-heavy menu. Peanut-butter cake, peanut-brittle fudge, and then I want to throw unshelled peanuts into my bridesmaids’ mouths like you’re big fat sea lions. We’ve all noticed that you can be a real anaphylac-zilla, Hayley. But I’m asking you just this once to eat the food I give you because I need the photos of you eating peanuts while I spray you with the hose.
DRESS CODE: I’m obviously chill with whatever the gals want to wear. I just have one simple request about my bridesmaids’ dresses. They can be whatever length you like but they have to be a color I made up in my head when I was six and I will not tell you what it is, you just have to know. It’s the color of the feeling of when my mom made me peppermint waffles and said that Santa sent them to me special because I was at the top of the Nice List. We’re all going to be wearing it, so please factor in time to have your dress custom-made. No sustainable fashion, please. No offense, but I believe children need to have suffered for dresses to be cute and that no one looks good in one that’s tea-length.
MY FAMILY: Please, y’all, run some interference with my kooky family. I mean, I love them, but they are wild! Jenny, I’m going to need you to fuck my brother. I know you’re married, but I promised him you’d do it. He’s disgusting and smells like tires, but I don’t want him to give a speech. He’s always covered in mud because he loves to curl up in old tires at the dump. He likes to pretend that he’s a junk-yard dog and even wears a collar. If you love me, you’ll fuck my muddy brother, babe.
WEDDING VIDEO: I had this really fun idea that my bridesmaids and I could do a video together that we’d show during the reception. It’ll be of us, like, goofing around and maybe doing a choreographed dance, and it will be in the style of “Boyhood” in that we’ll shoot it over the course of the next decade, on 35-mm. film, to better comment on the fluid nature of art and aging. I’m gonna need you to talk to your bosses and take about sixteen years off work to prepare for this. Maybe sixteen years and four hours for you, Kelsey—that adult acne isn’t going to airbrush itself!
YOUR BODY: How do I put this . . . I want to make sure that you all look worse than me, physically. This can be achieved in a number of ways. Like, for example, you could get a horse to kick you, by taking away its carrot, or maybe you get a huge tattoo of Goofy with a distended penis poking through his pants, like a Tom of Finland drawing. Have fun with it—I want this to be your special day as well!
THE MAYOR’S DOG: O.K., I know this one is going to sound silly, but I have a sort of random request. The mayor’s dog has been talking to me and telling me to do bad things—like he wants me to kidnap the up-and-coming actor Josh O’Connor. I’m as confused about it as you are but I just kind of want my day to be as low-stress as possible, so, if you happen to see Josh O’Connor, please just tie him up and I’ll handle the rest. Thanks in advance!
FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE: I have been dreaming about my father-daughter dance since I was a little girl. Unfortunately, as you know, my dad passed away six years ago. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want him to cut a rug! As my besties, I’m going to need you to dig up my dad and put a spell on him that makes him come back to life for at least, like, three hours, so we can dance to “Isn’t She Lovely” together. I would prefer white magic, but if you need to use a curse or a hex, that’s fine—I’m not one of those girls who gets all up in arms when her girlfriends use dark arts to resurrect her dead dad. I hate those girls!
CIPHER: I have written a cipher that spells out the details of my next kill. Here it is—please solve it before the wedding! aKJSpUVKukvzuXyUmKxRnXhyfCjEeEQfGpUxVBYHNpigXEUMtZAMmAKJdSFxhbYMGUhhk FqvvFQzdyYwCzWEDCSJTLrWTFXDVrw!
PHOTOS: I can’t wait for the bridal-party pics—all of us lined up in a cute little row! Emma, I know you’re pregnant, but I want my bridesmaid photos to be super uniform. I’ve arranged a Pitocin drip for a few days before the wedding to induce labor so you give birth early. I calculated it, and your baby will be born at twenty-six weeks, which is super viable. Most doctors say newborns can even breathe with their own lungs at that point, so it’s no biggie! And the doctors who don’t say that are just jealous of your hot little baby. We’ll keep it in a warm box next to the buffet chafing dishes, and you can do skin-to-skin contact right after speeches.
THE MAYOR’S HOUSE: I want you to shoot the mayor’s dog because he is talking to me too much. I’m taken, after all!
WEATHER: I want it to rain so I can get mad. If you love me, you will make this happen. ♦
