Paul Mezcal
This is actually a nice blended Irish whiskey with an unfortunate typo on the label. All of the malt is ground into grist by Paul Mescal’s famously powerful thighs. Sláinte!
Drake’s Old-Fashioned
Emphasis on the “old.” Sure, Drake is just trying to manage optics, but damn if that Angostura doesn’t have a lovely zip to it. All proceeds go to Drake’s legal team.
Walton Goggins’s Weirdly Hot Jalapeño Tequila
Like Walton Goggins, this tequila is weirdly hot. Like Goggins’s career, it’s a slow burn. And, like Goggins’s character on “Fallout,” you’ll get absolutely nothing on the nose.
Nancy’s Summer Sundowner
Made with a crisp gin and bubbly tonic, Nancy Pelosi’s new canned cocktail is best enjoyed in retirement while watching the sun set on a dying empire.
Aaron Rodgers’s “CBD”-Infused Seltzer
Why is “CBD” in quotes? Don’t ask. Not because there’s ayahuasca in the seltzer (there is), but because, if you ask, Rodgers may have a psychedelic flashback to meeting the Hat Man.
Sydney Sweeney’s Pure White Rum
O.K., this is starting to feel intentional.
Chet Hanks’s Authentically Black Rum
This has always felt intentional.
Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson’s Cherry Lager
If two actors who co-starred in an old TV series don’t slap their names on some hooch, did the show even exist? This sour-cherry beer is totally undrinkable, but no one cares, because Ted Danson is a national treasure.
Elon Musk’s XXX
Do you love the refreshing taste of Corona? So does Elon Musk! That’s why he bought Anheuser-Busch and renamed one of their flagship beers “XXX.” (Take that, Dos Equis.) Corona is traditionally served with lime, but, due to mass safety-and-regulations layoffs, Musk’s XXX is served with Lyme.
Elizabeth Holmes’s Bloody Lizzy
Costing sixteen dollars in seed money per bottle, and spuriously touted as the first drink that only takes one drop to get you drunk, the F.D.A. might not approve—but your taste buds will.
Adrien Brody’s Long-Aged Whiskey
Each barrel of this pretentious dram was filled when Adrien Brody started his Oscars speech and bottled when he finished. The result is a smooth, robust flavor that can’t be played off the stage. All proceeds go to Adrien Brody.
