1. PUMPERNICKEL: The king. Strong flavor, but not too strong. Dances with, rather than fights against, the cream cheese and the lox. (Or whitefish, if that’s your thing. I don’t judge.)
2. PLAIN: Not as fierce a “dancer.” More submissive to the lox. Kind of kinky. Maybe you like that.
3. POPPY-SEED/SESAME: When they’re out of plain.
4. EGG: Too cakelike to be a proper bagel, but possibly it reminds you of the challah your nana hand-fed you when she nursed you through polio.
5. SALT: You’re someone who really likes salt.
6. ONION: You’re someone who really likes onions.
7. GARLIC: Do you actually even like bagels?
8. EVERYTHING: “I can’t decide what kind of distracting shit I want on my bagel, so why don’t I add every kind of shit to my bagel.” Good decision-making process.
9. BLUEBERRY: O.K., you’ve been alive for a thousand years. You were cursed by God after stepping on a butterfly or something. You’ve seen multiple generations of your descendants grow up and live and die, painfully. You watched Rome burn. You made love to Mona Lisa. You killed Kennedy. There is nothing in this world your jaded senses haven’t experienced and become weary of. Finally, you’ve come to this.
10. CHOCOLATE CHIP: Do you understand what a bagel is? What purpose it serves? There’s a ninety-five-per-cent chance that you’re five years old, so maybe not. Yes, I like chocolate chips—everybody likes chocolate chips—but surely even your imperfectly matured brain can grasp that there are better conveyances for chocolate chips than a bagel.
11. CINNAMON RAISIN: You eat raisins on purpose?
12. JALAPEñO AND CHEDDAR: This is not a bagel. This is what you order to signal to the guy at the counter that you need him to call a cop.
13. WHOLE WHEAT: How many bagels do you eat? Has your doctor said, “Sheesh, Frank—fifteen bagels a day? Better switch to whole wheat”? If so, have at it. Otherwise, I’m baffled by why you would completely ruin one of life’s small pleasures for a marginal health benefit.
14. MULTIGRAIN: This is me stopping. I’m not doing a comedy bit anymore. I’m just talking, like a person talking to another person. If I was at a bagel place with you, and we were lifelong friends, and your sibling or spouse had just died, and you were reaching out to me, as your oldest friend, for some comfort, and you ordered a multigrain bagel, I would absolutely punch you in the neck. Hard. ♦
