First and foremost, straights: We see you. For too long, your culture has been shrouded in obscurity, and even shame. But your queer friends and neighbors are here to support you in your journey to share your true selves with the world—whether you’re a suburban Texas mom whose identity is inexplicably linked to your Stanley cup, or a teen-age boy in Florida who posts really gross stuff in subreddits. We may not always understand you, but know that you are loved.
It’s 2025, and our society should be evolved enough to finally recognize the important contributions that the straight community has made to our culture. We’re here to honor notable heterosexuals such as Jimmy Buffett, Margaret Thatcher, and Kendall Jenner. Did you know that even former President Ronald Reagan was rumored to be a straight man?
While we are absolutely on board to support you—we’re even making T-shirts!—we hope that you’ll be patient with us as we learn to accept your life-style choices. Some of us are still struggling to wrap our heads around straight cultural hallmarks such as peel-and-stick wallpaper, Keurig coffee, and sex that is only satisfying for one partner.
Rest assured, though, we won’t just be sitting on the sidelines for Awesome Fest. We’ll be right there with you for every activity. The nonbinary folks will cheer you on at the Kohl’s Cash Dash; lesbians will help you shovel asphalt at the Driveway Repave-athon; and we’re working on finding volunteers to wipe away your tears as you struggle into shapewear at the Negative Body Talk Booth (admittedly, no one’s rushing to sign up for this one).
Then we’ll raise skinny margs to toast your unexamined desire to make sweet love to the opposite sex, and bond over unlimited breadsticks from the Olive Garden. These rituals are part of your culture’s rich tapestry, and we’re here to honor them. Who knows? At the end of that caloric roller coaster, we may find out that we’re more alike than we think!
Don’t worry, we’re sticking around for the after-party, too! Some of the lesbians (not naming names) have had their bachelorette parties at straight bars—it’s just so fun to let loose without feeling the pressure to impress a room full of queer women, you know? We can’t wait to show off our best moves to classic straight jams by Ted Nugent, Anita Bryant, and Kid Rock. We’ll bring our hot pants, tiaras, and body glitter—apologies in advance if any rubs off on you on the dance floor. And if it does, don’t worry, you’ll still be straight—probably. ♦
