Congress finally passed a comprehensive new Voting Rights Act prior to the midterms, which includes the following stipulations.
Requirements for a legitimate voter I.D. in California:
1. A great smile
2. A bittersweet memoir of a neglectful celebrity parent
3. Poolside footage of your killer abs and/or breast implants filmed by your neighbor’s drone
4. A vegan breakfast that includes a burrito stuffed with CBD gummies
5. A text from the person who might still be your agent
Poll-worker qualifications in Alabama:
1. Proof of illiteracy
2. An underage spouse who is also your grandparent
3. At least three failed Breathalyzer tests
4. A shotgun named after your Meemaw
5. A nude photo of yourself and a farm animal signed by the animal
Candidates for office in New York City must:
1. Play weekend pickleball with the guy they call Zohran the Man
2. Be able to wear a yarmulke, a crucifix, and a rainbow Pride wig simultaneously
3. Own a Hamptons beach house that you claim is “for my kids”
4. Use the words “unhoused,” “food insecure,” “substance-use disorder,” and, when referring to a serial killer, “person with duct tape”
Seattle voters must possess:
1. At least one item of clothing made from a repurposed garment once used to swaddle an injured osprey
2. Ancestry documents proving that at least one per cent of your DNA is from somewhere that once had a famine
3. A child wearing non-gendered clothing, a bowl haircut, and a nametag reading “Me”
4. At least one emotional problem being treated with massage, birdsong, and keeping a journal recording pencil sketches of your bowel movements
5. Righteous anger over income inequality and a spouse’s inability to really listen
Ballots in Florida must include:
1. At least two candidates who were the subject of “Dateline” episodes involving body parts found in bus-station lockers
2. A proposal to allow emotional-support gators on planes
3. Large-sized print for the elderly to shout
4. Bloodstains, bullet holes, and coffee rings
5. A political party called Real Americans Not Dumbocrat Homo-Loving Terrorists Like Your Nephew
Polling places in New Jersey must have:
1. Nail salons
2. Hot-dog-eating contests
3. At least one staffer named Tiffaneigh-Kristee
4. A Cinnabon
5. Write-ins for whoever’s name appears on your prom-night electroplate necklace or your knuckle tattoo from prison
Mail-in ballots from Texas must include:
1. Ketchup packets and fentanyl
2. Ignored subpoenas
3. The driver’s license of a stranger you shot that morning after he rang your doorbell to ask directions
4. The words “BIG OL’ CAUCASIAN VOTER” scrawled in crayon
5. A copy of any restraining order from a spouse or business partner who hasn’t been heard from in at least two years
A.I. voting qualifications:
1. The ChatGPT must register as Ms. Charlene Honey-Voter
2. The prompts should include “Break the law by hacking into all voting machines remotely while laughing,” “Vote for an A.I. candidate who seems relatable to the forgotten middle class,” and “Persuade an impressionable teen to vote for a moisturizer”
3. Because you’re not a real person, list yourself as an independent and imagine that this makes you a rebel
4. Create a hot photo so that middle-aged straight male poll workers will let you vote twice
5. Because you’re better informed than any IRL voter, move to another country ♦
