We hope you’re enjoying this year’s installment of summer! We’ve already
received a lot of questions, so we thought we’d take the opportunity to
address them below.
I found something in my drawer that’s sort of like pants, only shorter.
I was thinking of putting it on. Should I warn people first?
New studies show that the shock of seeing your pasty legs touching air
for the first time in almost a year could be beneficial to those who
have lost touch with their own mortality. Every time you wear shorts
outside, you are actually performing a public service.
Do I have to go outside?
While you are not legally obligated to go outside during summer, by
remaining indoors, you are increasing the likelihood of six months from
now taking part in something that will be adapted into a best-selling
Stephen King novel and a subsequent Stanley Kubrick film.
If I go outside, should I commemorate the event by taking a picture of
myself in some bushes?
Actually, the preferred summer-portrait pose is that of exposed,
disembodied legs, extended near a body of water. It is not necessary to get in the body of water; just the documentation that you were near
it without pants is adequate.
Should I take off my winter coat?
Yes. If you haven’t already done so, now would be an excellent time to
remove your coat. For those whose epidermis has become partially
enmeshed with the coat, a clothed shower removal is recommended.
I noticed a lot of flowers blooming in summer. Can the flowers hurt me?
Though it’s true that flowers produce blood-drawing thorns and pollen
that attracts bees and causes your body to attack itself, most flowers
are simply fragrant and lovely to look at during that brief moment
before they wither into desiccated brown husks.
If I do get stung by a bee, will it hurt?
Despite what you may have heard about bee stings, they are actually
quite painful, as well as occasionally fatal.
There are a lot of birds chirping outside. Are they talking about me?
Ornithologists agree that birds mostly communicate about mating
interests, the location of food, and whether you were the reason for your
parents’ divorce.
I’ve noticed that there are more children at large than usual. Do
children get released from their holding units during summer?
Most children are free to roam the streets during summer, although some
people choose to store their kids in free-range nature units in the
woods over the warmer months. If you see children out and about in the
middle of the day, just resume your usual activities. If the children
are bothering you, they can be evaded by throwing a piece of wrapped
food on the ground and running in the opposite direction.
I saw a white van selling ice cream while playing music that aroused a
strange, foreboding feeling in me. Should I report it to the police?
Probably, yes.
Is this going to be the very last summer?
While this is unlikely to be the last summer on Earth, whether it will
be your last summer depends on if you fully embraced hygge and
adequately appeased Höðr, the Norse god of winter, darkness, and
knitting scarves with no beginning or no end.
Is summer supposed to be painful?
Yes! A common misconception about summer is that it’s painless, when
nothing could be further from the truth. Here is a short list of things
that have happened during summer that were painful:
1. The Birth of Mussolini (July 29, 1883): didn’t seem so bad at first,
but got very
painful later on.
2. The Tunguska event, an unexplained seven-hundred-and-seventy-square-mile explosion in the
Siberian forest
(June 30, 1908): no one died, but it was probably
painful for all the trees.
3. The disappearance of Amelia Earhart (July 2, 1937): also very not
good.
4. Banishment from Eden (no one knows for sure what season it was, but
it seems safe to say it likely felt a lot like summer in Eden at the
time of banishment): eternally painful.
I actually like summer. It’s my favorite season. I can’t believe anyone
complains about it!
How wonderful for you. This information should be shared alongside other
rare personal facts, such as your appreciation for cake and the Beatles.
What comes after summer?
This year’s installment of summer will be followed by optional Pumpkin Spice Lattes, complaining about the (still optional) Pumpkin Spice
Lattes, and then three months of Christmas, which will also be complained about excessively. Enjoy!
