I am currently the C.E.O. of four different companies. I talk a lot about saving humanity and all that, but my real goal before leaving Earth is to be C.E.O. of at least eight or nine companies. That would be pretty cool. Got the idea from playing Monopoly. Perhaps a real-estate business, but for space. I really just want to hammer down the “For Sale” sign when I sell property on the moon. Imagine the H.O.A. fees!
Humanity needs to go to Mars to help alleviate overpopulation and ensure the survival of the species. I need to go to Mars because I can’t stand spending one more minute on this miserable planet with all you idiot weirdos. Made it very clear that I’m leaving for Mars the first chance I get. No laws or taxes on Mars, either, which is a plus. Until then, perhaps I’ll live deep below the surface of the ocean. Which I will clean up. Probably save the Great Barrier Reef in the process. Hey, it’s my pleasure.
But will I get thanks? Of course not. I’ll solve all of Earth’s woes and get nothing back from you pedos. Example: slipping is a major problem. Saw an ice-skater falling once, in one of those “try not to laugh” videos. It was great, but still a problem. One time, I fell out of the shower, so I understand. I invented super-gravity boots that you can’t walk in. Basically made of cement, but unslippable. Still, no thank-yous.
What else? Drug problem. Replace drugs with batteries. Next. Human trafficking. How can they human-traffic when it’s all automated? Boom, fixed. Create sex robots and then we can traffic those. The world needs to start doing what I do in a bind: throw robots at the problem—robot shoe repairmen, robot peace treaties, robot gun violence. Only issue is that they’d destroy humanity. But probably fix Earth in the process. Since I’m done with you frigging losers, it’s time to get mechanized. Then I’ll fly away on a rocket ship while you meatbags die here.
Also, once I get to Mars, the planet will be terraformed to make it just as horrible and unlivable as Earth. As muggy as Florida and as cold as the Yukon. And also, to fix Earth, I’ll probably have to outsource all the problems to Mars, making them Mars problems. Endless cycle, ad infinitum. Thus, for the betterment of the entire human race, I’ll likely have to leave the beautiful red planet for Jupiter, never to return. Too many people on Mars. And if, for some reason, I don’t end up making it to Mars, at least I’ll always know that huge quantities of my frozen sperm will. Had them encased in special sperm rockets like Superman so one day an alien will be able to create a clone from my DNA.
Great thing about solar power is that it’s free. For now. One day, the sun people will come to Earth looking to take their energy back, and there will be a reckoning. I plan to be far away from Earth by then.
I’ll leave you with some final, inspiring words. Every moment that goes by brings the human race one step closer to extinction. If major changes aren’t made, we have a dark period of societal collapse and mass death ahead of us. Well, you do. I’ll watch from the beautiful bay window of my spacious Martian library, and then I’ll make it all O.K. by thinking up some great idea to turn Earth’s demise into a lucrative business opportunity, probably involving X-ray glasses that actually work.
From “Welcome to the Future Which Is Mine,” edited by Scott Dikkers, to be published by Grand Central Publishing.
