00:00
[twinkly music]
00:02
Hi, I’m Danny Devito, I’m doing the New Yorker
00:05
cartoon caption contest.
00:08
Okay, this guy looks like a Charles Dickens’ version
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of Saint Peter and this guy down here making his way
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into the, doesn’t look exactly
00:20
like very inviting Pearly Gates.
00:26
Okay, I know you’re trying to keep people out,
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but if you find my hat let me know.
00:32
[excited drumbeats]
00:36
This is why they do this and I don’t.
00:38
Okay, go ahead.
00:39
What’s next?
00:41
All right so we’re looking at a coffin,
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and two people are discussing a dead person.
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And there’s like this sickle thing coming out.
00:50
[mellow jazz music]
00:54
It says the old fart did enough damage,
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finally he’s dead.
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Let’s go celebrate. [chuckles]
01:01
There ya go.
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Anyway, he’s dead.
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Shut the coffin and let’s go home.
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[excited drumbeats]
01:11
Why am I so afraid of getting a paper cut here?
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[Woman] Because it hurts!
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It really does hurt.
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Have you had any lately?
01:17
No. No, okay good.
01:19
Okay I’m looking at two people in bed,
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and they’ve got some kind of helmets on.
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Okay, can I be dirty?
01:26
Yeah.
01:28
[mellow jazz music]
01:33
I want to add one for it in the front.
01:35
Okay.
01:37
Baby, Chernobyl really has fucked over our sex life.
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It’s like hard to do because you can’t see it
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but the protective suits go all the way down
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to the genitalia.
01:49
[excited drumbeats]
01:53
Now, what am I seeing?
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These guys are standing in front of these shapes
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that could be construed as a couple things.
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I mean, they look like urinals, right?
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I chose something else.
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And this guy looks like he might in the superhero
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business and who the hell knows about the other guy.
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But anyway, it says I piss on gravestones all the time,
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but I’m a superhero, what’s your excuse?
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[excited drumbeats]
02:29
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:31
She attacked me
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with the paper. That was close.
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I swear to God.
02:33
So I’m looking at a guy in a white coat
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and a guy in a rat suit making notations,
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looking at a bunch of rats in a cage.
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Okay.
02:49
The blenders are broken.
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What do we do with the excess rodents?
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Sandwiches?
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[excited drumbeats]
02:57
A nice rodent smoothie is really good, you know?
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With a little roach sauce thrown on the top.
03:06
Me, I have to be from New York to understand this one.
03:09
Okay.
03:10
Oh, this is a good one.
03:12
Oh my god.
03:13
Okay, so I’m looking at four parrots
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at a table, one of ’em is talking.
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This guy looks really worried.
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[mellow jazz music]
03:29
I got more.
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[woman laughs]
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I ran out of paper, but I remember what I said.
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You guilty on of a bitch.
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We’re gonna rip your head off and put it on the wall
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with the other traitor parrots.
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Asshole traitor parrots.
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These are all traitor parrots and that’s what they do.
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They’re not really pictures, they’re their heads.
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Actual heads on the wall.
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Bastards.
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[excited drumbeats]
04:03
Holy Toledo.
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We’ve got a rooster and a duck.
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[mellow jazz music]
04:15
Okay.
04:16
I’m sorry.
04:18
Everybody knows it’s a dysfunctional family.
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Let’s fuck our feathers off before mom and dad gets home.
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[woman laughs]
04:30
Let’s go.
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Let’s do it right now.
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[excited drumbeats]
04:37
It’s a jail, obviously.
04:40
There’s two guys and it looks like a girl in the middle.
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There’s a guy with his hand in his pocket,
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looks like the CEO of the prison.
04:52
Okay.
04:53
[mellow jazz music]
05:00
It’s ain’t goin’ down.
05:04
Okay, this is like a boring one, I’m sorry, it’s me,
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it’s not the picture, the picture is great.
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Productivity is in the shitter.
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One by one you’re doing down.
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Alright.
05:17
That’s not a good one.
05:17
Okay, let’s move on.
05:18
[excited drumbeats]
05:25
Well, we’re in bed with a looks like a guy with antlers.
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And a lot of hair.
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And he’s reading, some newspaper, I can’t read it.
05:39
Does it have words on it?
05:41
No. No.
05:42
Okay.
05:44
All right.
05:45
[mellow jazz music]
05:49
Okay, it says here that there are side effects
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and if the hair stays the boner stays.
05:55
[people laugh]
05:58
I actually didn’t see his other foot.
06:01
Okay.
06:01
[people laugh]
06:02
[repeated drumbeats]
06:05
Oh that is, that is good.
06:08
Again, once again we’re up in a beautiful high rise
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somewhere in Manhattan with the one percent.
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This guy’s really huffy.
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Look at the, like a whole boardroom full of people,
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but they’re not bored obviously,
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they’re having a good time.
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[mellow jazz music]
06:26
[laughs]
06:29
Okay, if I can read my writing.
06:33
Okay.
06:34
Me and Harry are snapping up Mildred and Florence
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so I guess it’s you, Joe and Pete again.
06:43
You see, that’s Mildred and Florence,
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and that’s Harry.
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And then so, it’s him and Joe and Pete don’t have mates
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so they have to do it.
06:55
And by the way, there’s acid in the punch.
06:57
[excited drumbeats]
07:01
Hi, I’m Danny Devito,
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and this was a cartoon caption contest,
07:05
where there are no winners, only shitty jokes.
07:09
[people laugh]
