LAS VEGAS (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after the Democratic Presidential debate on Wednesday night, aides to Michael Bloomberg announced that he would spend ten billion dollars to buy an entirely new personality.
Acknowledging that some attributes of the former New York mayor’s new personality have yet to be ironed out, campaign advisers indicated that the eleven-figure outlay would be used to purchase warmth, empathy, and humanity.
Additionally, billions of Bloomberg’s war chest will be used to remove several unappetizing qualities from his current personality, including arrogance, touchiness, and a glaring inability to hide his contempt for others.
If all goes as planned, a thoroughly revamped and unrecognizable version of Bloomberg, called New Mike (TM), will be up and running in time for Super Tuesday.
But even as they announced the impending launch of Bloomberg’s new incarnation, campaign officials were careful to tamp down expectations. “In a perfect world, spending ten billion dollars on a new personality would make Mike an appealing person, but we’ll be happy with ‘not an asshole,’ ” one aide said.
