WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest attack on the nation’s sixteenth President, Donald Trump boasted on Saturday that his television ratings were “much higher” than Abraham Lincoln’s.
“If you put my TV ratings side by side with Lincoln’s, there’s no comparison,” Trump told Fox News. “Honest Abe would want me to be honest about it, and, honestly, his ratings were terrible.”
Trump argued that Lincoln’s television ratings were especially poor “when you consider that he didn’t have to compete with Netflix and Amazon, like I have to.”
“Abraham Lincoln had zero competition and he still couldn’t get a decent number,” Trump said. “He might have been O.K. at some other things, but he was a total loser on TV.”
Theorizing about Lincoln’s poor ratings performance, Trump mused that “it might have been the beard.”
“People don’t like to look at people with beards on TV,” he said. “Tom Selleck has a mustache, but that’s different. If I was advising Lincoln, I would say, ‘Abe, lose the beard. It’s making you look like a joker.’ I wish I had been alive back then. I could have given Lincoln all kinds of good advice. It’s sad how bad he was.”
