00:00
[chimes sounding]
00:05
[doorbell rings]
00:06
Jackson is it?
00:08
Fine, whatever.
00:11
Look here, pal.
00:12
I’ve got something to say.
00:14
I too was a 16-year-old boy once.
00:17
I’m not an idiot, I know how this works.
00:19
I’m glad that you and Raina are having fun together.
00:22
But listen up, buddy.
00:23
And listen good.
00:24
It’s 2020, and if you do anything to hurt my daughter
00:28
I swear to god I will be concerned and disappointed,
00:32
but ultimately step back
00:34
and let her navigate her own emotional growth.
00:38
Here’s the goddamn deal, Jackson.
00:40
By all mean, nervously come over to our house
00:43
with weird flowers, pick Raina up, and show her a nice time.
00:47
But know this, at every moment I am watching
00:52
myself and actively resisting my ingrained urge
00:55
to infantilize my daughter and deny her a normal
00:58
and healthy evolution into mature adulthood.
01:01
Got it?
01:02
Good.
01:03
So every time you two lovebirds
01:05
go out for frozen yogurt and a movie,
01:06
I want you to remember this,
01:09
I will be sitting on the front porch with my Revolver
01:12
CD playing because I really love that wonderful album.
01:16
And you bet your scrawny ass
01:18
I’ll be ready and waiting
01:20
to hear about which film you guys saw,
01:22
and whether you liked it.
01:23
[Woman] Turns out dogs can’t drive.
01:25
[Dad] See champ.
01:27
If I ever, ever learn that you made my daughter cry,
01:31
or caused her any kind of distress,
01:33
I swear on my goddamn life that I will hunt you down
01:37
a nice card so that you can write her a proper apology
01:40
because we all mess up from time to time,
01:42
especially as young people.
01:43
And furthermore, I need to accept
01:46
that I don’t have the ability to shield her from all pain,
01:49
which is an inevitable part of life.
01:51
And even if I did, I would only be hindering
01:54
her development of coping strategies.
01:56
[daughter roars]
01:57
You got that, chief?
01:58
A lot of boys out there, Jackson.
02:00
Yup.
02:01
Don’t think I don’t see ’em.
02:02
They’re on her dodge ball team.
02:04
They’re at parties.
02:05
They’re chatsnapping her nonstop.
02:07
And if you want my honest opinion,
02:09
no boy will ever be good enough for my princess
02:12
is a thing I’d say if I didn’t acknowledge
02:15
that princess is a fundamentally patronizing epithet.
02:18
And there are probably numerous boys
02:20
who are good enough for her
02:20
because that’s how dating tends to work.
02:23
I leave it to Raina to decide
02:25
whether someone’s good enough for her or not.
02:27
She seems to have decided that you are
02:29
and that is her prerogative, and nice for you.
02:32
Look pal, this is not easy for me!
02:35
The minute Raina was born she was daddy’s little girl.
02:38
However, I mean that only literally!
02:40
She was a physically small human
02:41
and her DNA strongly suggested that she was my kid.
02:44
It still does, but after a point,
02:46
that mentality is weird and gross.
02:48
And now I just nervously give her driving lessons
02:51
and proofread her essays, fuck!
02:53
And we go to basketball games,
02:54
and argue about the plausibility
02:55
of most of the plot points of Riverdale.
02:57
Any questions?
02:59
Would you like to stay for dinner?
03:01
I’m making some eggplant thing from a book!
03:03
[bell dings]
