WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Alleging that it “has treated me very unfairly,” Donald J. Trump announced on Friday that he is suing the coronavirus.
“This is a very nasty virus, and by that I mean it has been nasty to me personally,” Trump told reporters. “I never thought that there could be anything more terrible than Jim Acosta, but the coronavirus is like an invisible Jim Acosta.”
Offering a preview of his lawsuit, Trump said that he was accusing the coronavirus of meddling in the 2020 election.
“You look at the numbers and, every time the virus’s numbers go up, my numbers go down,” he said. “This virus is trying to rig the election for Sleepy Joe.”
Trump said that he was prepared to take his case against the coronavirus all the way to the Supreme Court, claiming, “My case is so perfect, even those ungrateful beauties Kavanaugh and Gorsuch will side with me.”
Relations between Trump and the virus have reportedly grown so strained that he no longer allows discussions of the coronavirus at meetings of the Coronavirus Task Force.
At the White House, the press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said that Trump felt “deeply betrayed” by the coronavirus.
“COVID-19 would not be what it is today without President Trump,” she said.
