WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an attempt to humanize her father’s reëlection campaign, an emotional Ivanka Trump used her R.N.C. speech to reveal to the American people, “I can’t get a job anywhere else.”
“The past few years have been super rough for me, ever since my shoe company went south,” she confided. “I thought the shoes were pretty, and I was really surprised when no one wanted to wear them. They’re all in storage at Mar-a-lago, and we can’t give them away.”
Speaking movingly of her father, Trump said, “He gave me a job when no one else in the world would.”
Expounding on her father’s benevolence, she added, “And, while we’re on the subject of jobs, do you honestly think that anyone else in the world would hire Jared as a senior adviser? No way.”
Capping her emotional pitch, Trump said, “I am begging you, my fellow-Americans, to please give Jared and me four more years to get our shit figured out. After that, we swear we’ll move out and look for real jobs.”
