• Abolish amendments. Makes Constitution look weak. I read Constitution. I read passages, I read areas, chapters. Nobody reads Constitution more than me! Nobody even knows what the Fourteenth means. Let’s go back to first draft!
• I never said all amendments. Gun one’s a keeper. And that fun thing about quartering soldiers. Rest go! Freedom of speech? You’re going to pay for it! Double for pronouns!!
• Mules must use mule bathroom. Not horse, not donkey bathroom—birth-species bathroom!
• No more brown or yellow M&M’s. Low I.Q., emotionally unstable. Send back to factory—probably in shithole countries like Massachusetts. WHITE M&M’s only! Merit-based!
• Not doing climate—they said it’s changing, IT’S NOT! Every day under my Administration we have climate all over the place, rain or shine!
• Cut FEMA flood budget. Make Bezos send wet places salad spinners to dry out stuff.
• Demand recount in Canada. Very rigged. Donald Trump not on ballot!!! Lewis and Clark—fine people—told me Canada’s not mentally qualified to be a country!
• Birds, extinctify them. I like birds, very beautiful birds, some of them— but others, quite frankly, they’re very disrespectful, very nasty.
• Overturn Roe v. Wade again—for fish! Roe and Wade. Pay halibut to have babies. Bye-bye, fish shortage! No taxpayer dollars for fish pre-K!
• E.V.s must run only on gasoline. Including cars sold on Mars! Electricity = fake fuel!
• Buy continental shelf—best one—that’ll be state fifty-one. Dump Canada on it—Canada, you can be fifty-two! Happy now, Canada?
• Pull out of solar system. U.S. only planet paying fair share—probably more. We gave them satellites and moon flag. If they want us back, they’ll have to make deal.
• Drugs need to be drug-free, like R.F.K., Jr., said. Good man. Very good hair.
• Fire R.F.K.! He stole my idea for drug-free drugs! Smart people, the best people, say so.
• Fire Founding Fathers. They wore wigs. Losers! Find out if Pete Hegseth wears a wig.
• Not doing Xi Jinping right now—great guy, great strength—but never calls, never writes, overcharged us for pandas. We’re looking at it, looking at other options, lot of options, maybe better options!
• Buy Great Wall from China—pre-tariff price! Move it to Mexico, make great again, sell back to China—with tariffs.
• End Hundred Years’ War in one day. Retroactively. Nobody’s ever done that!
• Tear down Biden’s mountains. Frankly, we had best mountains under my Administration, very pointy, people were saying they’d never seen mountains like that before and now look, they’re drooping. Sad.
• Unpardon Hunter Biden.
• Replace Jerome Powell with rescue dog. But only if it’s purebred and has won something. Like Best in Show or custody battle.
• Sue myself, call it witch hunt, pay legal fees with Harvard funding, hire Wharton Mar-a-Lago to write case study, bundle with “Art of the Deal,” sell as N.F.T. Win-win-win!
• Get Agriculture or Marjorie T. G. or whoever’s in charge of snacks to do something about cupcake regulations. Too much paper! You peel and peel and by the time you get to cake it’s ruined. Total disaster!
• Eject that girl who wrote that thing.
• From now on, nobody gets Medicaid unless your handicap’s under ten—and we have the data. Mine’s lower. Much.
• Putin. I love him. I love him not. I love him. Zelensky. I love him. I love him not. I love him.
• Putin, Zelensky. Bad, bad people. Too foreign!
• Executive Order No. 149: Fix country’s spelling. No more America. Starting now: aMErica! aMErica first! ♦
