Hello, parents! We here at Davenport Brewery pride ourselves on being family-friendly, despite selling a product that children are legally barred from consuming, which we always kind of assumed meant that we would attract an exclusively adult clientele. But I guess we were wrong about that, and we are thrilled that so many of you are deciding to bring your young children with you on your weekend-afternoon trips to our taproom. Seriously, just thrilled about it—all of us! Even that one bartender who you swore kept giving you dirty looks after your toddler dumped three bowls of our complimentary mini-pretzels on the floor and started stomping them into pretzel dust, inspiring all of the other toddlers at the brewery to do likewise. In fact, especially that one bartender!
That said, we’ve decided to institute the following rules regarding the conduct of children to help make us even more thrilled that you keep deciding to bring them with you in quantities that cause us to question whether all of those statistics about declining birth rates are actually true. Please insure that your offspring follow these guidelines on your next visit:
