WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An unknown person attempted to scrawl the words “TOTAL AUTHORITY” on the United States Constitution with a Sharpie, the National Archives reported on Tuesday.
A security guard spotted the attempted vandalism on Tuesday morning, when he noticed “something weird” on the glass case protecting the priceless historical document.
“Someone had written the words in big block letters,” the security guard said. “Plus, both ‘total’ and ‘authority’ were misspelled.”
“It looked like the work of a small child, but there are no school groups here because of the coronavirus and whatnot,” he added. “So it’s a real mystery.”
Harland Dorrinson, a spokesperson for the National Archives, said that, even though the Constitution was unharmed, the Archives are launching a “full investigation” to determine what “sick person” attempted to deface the document.
“Somewhere in Washington, there’s a person on the loose who hates the way the Constitution is actually written,” he said.
