Tragedy + time = comedy
Tragedy + 9 months of hiding out = Comedy Cellar
Tragedy + > 1 year of hiding out = new Netflix special
Tragedy + any length of time > 1 month (x) comedy = “What else do you want him to do? Hasn’t he been punished enough?”
To calculate consequences, assume that 1 (male) comedian spending 9 months – (stage) but + (living in mansion) is = –(x) women’s potential careers [assume x is ≥ 5 and ≤ ∞].
Proof:
If, in approximation, 1 man’s inherent worth is equal to 5 women’s inherent worth, then assume:
1 man + 1 accusation = he said; she lied
1 man + 2 accusations = he said; she misremembered
1 man + 5 accusations = he said; she said
1 man + 8 accusations = he said; she’s jumping on the bandwagon
1 man + 18 billion accusations = “I believe that’s how she feels, but, still, where is the proof?”
Reflexive Property:
1 (male celebrity’s name trending on Twitter) = “Oh, God, I hope it’s just that he’s dead.”
1 female comedian + 1 (sex) joke = pandering
1 female comedian + 1 (clean) joke = prude
Anger that stark inability to adapt to a changing world exposes limits of previously assumed comedic prowess = standup special with the word “triggered” in it
Female showrunner x 1 = the end of sexism
Female cast/director + 1 (mediocre film) = the end of feminism
Comedienne = syntax ERROR
Multiplication Property of Equality:
Women x 10 = number of men in any given writer’s room
1 woman in a writer’s room = “We acknowledge that this is an issue in the industry.”
2 women in a writer’s room = “It is primarily men applying for these positions, but we’re aware of our blind spots and are trying to do better.”
3 women in a writer’s room = “My agent told me that I didn’t get the job because no one hires white men anymore.”
1 woman ≥ size 6 or ≥ 45 years old + sex = laughs
1 male comedian + many jokes involving pretending to have sex with the stool + that his microphone is his penis = standup special
1 woman + “So, what’s it like to be a woman in comedy?” – any questions about general craft/philosophy/success = interview
1 “let’s grab coffee” + 1 aspiring comedian + 1 seasoned professional – general anxiety about interacting with new, strange men for fear of sexual violence = “It’s really about who you know.”
P.C. culture = the only reason a man might bomb onstage night after night, year after year
1 male comedian + 1 offensive joke = protecting the sacred institution of comedy against its fascist oppressors
1 female comedian + 1 offensive joke = death threats
1 female comedian + 1 inoffensive joke = death threats
1 female comedian + existing = death threats
Associative Property:
If he never (harassed/assaulted) me, then it must be assumed that he never (harassed/assaulted) you.
Number of would-be all-time-great comedienne[– (-ienne) + (-ian)]s the world will never experience because of [insert equation] = the limit does not exist
*For each equation, if (woman) can be multiplied by (nonwhite, non-straight, non-cis), then assume solution raised by several powers of 10.
