Wow, guys, what a year. Looking back, the headlines from January, 2019, seem nearly as remote as those from 1919. “2020 Candidates Are Lining Up. Which Democrat Matches the Moment?” the Times asked, on January 1st of this year. Of course, now we definitively know that our 2020 Democratic Presidential nominee will be not Marianne Williamson. In that same edition, “Wielding Rocks and Knives, Arizonans Attack Self-Driving Cars” was deemed among the news that was fit to print.
Thankfully, all the self-driving cars have been defeated and humans rule the roads once again. But, rather than dwelling on a subject as grim as the 2019 Robot-Car Wars, let’s take this moment to look back over the year in yuks. We laughed about CBD, healing crystals, gardening, self-care, overnight oats, running, and engagement photo sessions, not to mention your one cousin who won’t stop posting on Instagram about all of the above. Should auld jokes be forgot and never brought to mind? Heck no. Read on to coast into 2020 smiling.
“Meet Mr. Long Legs,” by Ashley Franklin
“Valentine’s Day Poems from President Trump,” by John Kenney
If I drank beer,
You would be my Stephen Miller Time,
A bitter brew.
I make a joke. Sort of.
Pale ale. Miller Lite.
My little old man boy.
You get me.
You get walls.
People say, Who needs a wall?
Try to build a hotel without walls.
“Congratulations on Your New Debt,” by Kate Sidley
OUT-OF-NETWORK FEE: Remember how at one point an anesthesiologist walked into your room and said, “Are you Ms. Phillips?,” and you said, “No,” and she said, “Oh, O.K., must be the wrong room,” and left? The anesthesiologist was out of network. That’ll be $2,500.
“So You Have Some Questions About CBD,” by Jason Hayes
While THC makes you feel high, CBD targets receptors in your body that make you feel self-satisfied and smug. You’ll recognize the sensation as soon as someone asks what you’re putting in your coffee. Side effects of CBD include talking about CBD, posting about CBD on social media, and saying, “Oh, my God—WHAT?!” when other people say they haven’t tried CBD.
“The New York Times and the New York Post Walk Into a Bar,” by Edward Steed
“Real Men Hate Toxic Masculinity,” by Luke Burns
I tell you, when I see a man lashing out because he’s been taught to believe that it’s not O.K. for men to express any emotion except anger, it makes me feel . . . it makes me feel . . . it makes me want to punch a hole in the fucking wall!
“Elizabeth Holmes’s Wedding Vows,” by Carrie Kemper
I will never cheat on you, Billy. I am the most trustworthy woman alive today—there have been studies done. The one person I have a hall pass for is, of course, the other Billy, the Billy I was born to be with: Billy McFarland, the director of the Fyre Festival. I vow that I will cheat on you with Billy McFarland, Billy.
“This Really Happened Dept.: Scamming the Scammer,” by Ed Solomon
10:41 A.M. Ed Solomon
shut up. no way—are you serious??
10:42 A.M. Richard Weeks
I’m very serious and am not pulling your legs. I’m so happy cuz when i received the Money from Ups, I quickly paid off my bills and saved the rest to the bank. Though, currently thinking on Investments
The Undercover Boss: Players are always shocked at the end of the game to learn that their new teammate—a shrunken septuagenarian in tasselled loafers and an Afro wig—is actually their team’s billionaire owner!
“Targeted Ads Based on My Innermost Thoughts,” by Karen Chee, Illustration by Jeremy Nguyen
“When You’re Looking for the Very Best,” by Evan Waite
My father, Herman Clumsen, sucked at making utensils, and his father was even worse. My great-uncle Charles was chased out of the Old Country for somehow producing forks that were always white-hot. His brother Seamus was hanged for selling spoons made of sand that would pour through your fingers. We’ve been trash at this since Day One.
“Cut and Paste: Other Uses for Adhesive Tape,” by Roz Chast
“I’m Working from Work Today,” by Kathryn Kvas
Sorry for not replying—I’m busy heating up my sad desk lunch in the sad office microwave. Did you know that when I work from home I eat dry cereal and individual pickle slices from a jar? This may not sound appetizing, but let me ask you this: Have you ever tasted freedom? Because when I work from home that’s what I’m eating. Freedom.
“O.K., You Can Get a Dog,” by Colin Nissan
Pets sometimes get sick; that’s just a fact of life. If your dog does, you’ll have to take him to the vet—on your bike or in a cab, it’s up to you. It’s not going to be on your mother and me to worry about how you get him there. If he gets sicker and goes to Doggy Heaven, that will be very sad. Losing a pet is difficult. So is burying one, which is something you’ll be doing.
“Poorly Phrased News Alerts,” by Riane Konc
The Pee Tape Isn’t Real
-ly That Big a Deal, Trump Said Today, the Day of the Pee Tape’s Release
Kittens Will Be Extinct by the Year 2020, Scientists Predict
in Their Annual Opposite Day List of Predictions They Don’t Really Mean
A Beloved Hollywood Actor Is “Dead
-wood” Star Ian McShane, and He Is Healthy as a Horse
“What Your Favorite Color Says About You,” by Olivia de Recat
“The Most Authentic Bistro in Paris,” by Jiji Lee
PLEASE don’t act like an obnoxious American tourist and ask your waiters to speak English. I recommend that you learn some basic French phrases beforehand—stuff like “Is this dish made with nuts?” and “Do you have a fire extinguisher?”
“Conversations with Ma: Prenatal Vitamins and Owl Pellets,” by Julia Wertz
“Healing Crystals and How to Shoplift Them,” by Sarah Lazarus
Lapis lazuli is associated with clarity, self-expression, and honesty. Hold this blue stone in your open palm. Walk up to the salesperson and announce, from your newly unblocked throat chakra, “I am stealing this.” Leave the store at a brisk jog.
“A Perfect, Preëmptive Obituary for My Ex-Boyfriend,” by Danielle Kraese
In his later years, Gary grew as reclusive as one can be while sharing a bathroom with six people. Some weeks, he left the apartment only for practice with his musical-improv team, “Yes, Andrew Lloyd Webber.” He didn’t bother trying to date anyone after Danielle, because he knew no one could ever measure up.
Rumor has it that he never had sex again, either.
“America!: 2020 Democratic Candidates as Nineteen-Nineties Boy-Band Members,” by Ali Fitzgerald
“I’m a Garden Person Now!,” by Julie Sharbutt
Can I bring you anything from my garden? Anything! Cilantro? Five green beans? A basil flower? A garbage bag of lettuce? Would you like to eat the most delicious carrot you’ve ever had in your life? Remind me in three months.
“Last Will and Testament of a Broke New Yorker,” by Eva Victor
My many clothes, which somehow cost four dollars individually and five million dollars collectively, should go to Goodwill, but only after an attempt to sell them to a fancy thrift store where a joyless, septum-pierced woman will take one look at a shabby blouse before declaring, “We’re not going to take these. These are barely clothes.”
“Archeologists Discover Long-Sought-After Racist Bone,” by Sarah Hutto
Requests from the archeology community to continue the search for racist bones were rejected by the current White House Administration, on the grounds that it had already checked and didn’t find anything.
“The Friend Weekend,” by Niccolo Aeed and Marina Tempelsman
“Self-Care for Men,” by Megan Amram
While a woman’s skin is soft like a dying flower and barely strong enough to keep her insides in, a man’s skin is thick like the door to a safe. We men need makeup that covers our hungry-boy blemishes and larger-than-average pores. There’s a reason they call those sewer things manhole covers—it’s because they’re thick like a man and big enough to cover a man’s holes (“pores”)!
“Recent Articles of Mine,” by Jack Handey
“Ten Things Never to Say to Drunken Cowboys, or You’ll Get Dragged”
—Men’s Journal
“Why Yelling ‘Whoa! Whoa!’ to a Horse Has Absolutely No Effect Whatsoever”
—Equestrian Quarterly
“Why Binge-Watching Is Good for You,” by Talib Babb
You can’t lose your wallet.
Your wallet is safe and sound when you binge-watch. It’s either in the jeans you wore yesterday or you lost it earlier in the week, but you can’t misplace it while you stream your favorite comedy or drama.
“Have You Tried Overnight Oats?”, by Kerry Elson
Do you feel rushed in the morning? Make overnight oats to cut your breakfast-prep time to zero. Feeling hungry again at 11:30 A.M.? People who eat English muffins with butter get hungry at 11:30 A.M. Overnight oats are so full of soluble fibre, one serving fuels me till dinner, which is typically a plate of Wasa crackers with a side of gravel.
“Girl, You’re a Middle-Aged Woman Now,” by Wendi Aarons and KJ Dell’Antonia
“Gone Middle-Aged Woman”: When Amy, the once glam, now “crepey” wife of the writer Nick Dunne, goes missing, Nick becomes the prime suspect in her disappearance, until he tells the local police chief that Amy’s fifty-one years old. “Fifty-one?” the police chief replies. “Take the handcuffs off. She’s probably on a yacht-rock cruise.”
Organize your books by color before complaining that you don’t have time to read.
“Sexual Fantasies of Everyday New Yorkers,” by Mark Cognata
“My greatest sexual fantasy is just to have regular sex in my own apartment. But, in my fantasy, my apartment has a washing machine and a dryer.”—Sofia, Washington Heights
“Existential Dread in the Animal Kingdom,” by Irving Ruan and Avi Steinberg
“Life After the Fallout: A Post-Apocalypse Modern Love,” by Ayo Edebiri and Olivia Craighead
Dating now that Earth was literally burning was supposed to be easy. With seasons reduced to little more than folklore, life had become something of a year-long cuffing season. Sure, it was less “dating” and more “keeping someone around to protect you from the roving gangs of generator thieves.” But, after a while, those became synonymous.
“Things I’ve ‘Liked’ for Men,” by Liana Finck
“Dissertations Written by My Cat Oscar,” by Graham Techler
“ ‘Still Waters Run Deep’: A Cost-Benefit Analysis of Having Three Water Dishes for Oscar Instead of Two”
“ ‘Did I Just Fucking Hear Fucking Car Tires on Wet Pavement Outside or Did I Not?’: Post-Traumatic Stress Within the Ex-Street-Cat Population”
“Plans to Get My Dog on the Dogist,” by Ellis Rosen, Illustration by Annelise Capossela
“Let’s Look Past Our Differences to the One Thing We Have in Common: Lots of Money,” by Broti Gupta
You know those videos of a monkey befriending a lion or a tiger? We all love these videos. Why? Because they show two creatures looking past their differences, embracing each other on my beautiful couch, because I have purchased them all to keep as pets.
“Running with Scissors,” by Colin Stokes
You see, job interviews go much faster when you’re running around an office holding scissors. It’s as if you have a magical power over people. Of course, they’re all terrified—terrified of opening their minds to new ways of doing things. But, at the same time, they feel compelled to hire you.
“Runners Who Get on Your Nerves,” by Teresa Burns Parkhurst
“On the First-World Campaign Trail,” by Larry David
Then there was Rob, a hedge-fund manager from Scarsdale, who took a golf vacation in Miami Beach with his buddies and found himself on the first tee with no sunblock. He went into the pro shop to buy some, but they only had the kind that wasn’t organic.
“The Perfect Engagement Photo Session,” by Susanna Wolff
O.K., I think we’ve got the proposal moment covered, now let’s do some general couple photos, because the only pictures of the two of you are vacation selfies or ones of you wearing stupid fake mustaches in photo booths at other people’s weddings.
“Introducing New Yorker Cartoons in Augmented Reality,” by The New Yorker
