I was a climate-change denier. To be honest, I didn’t believe there was a climate, let alone that it was changing. And even when I discovered that it was changing (it rained on my birthday), I focussed on the wrong issues. I thought that global warming would mean longer spring breaks, that melting glaciers meant long overdue revenge for the Titanic.
But there are unseen consequences of climate change. Ever since I got the Internet, I’ve been educating myself. I’ve learned that it’s no longer just an issue for hippies, science dweebs, and conspiracy theorists. This affects us all.
Damp Towels
Humidity is already on the rise. The air’s much wetter today than it was back when you were in summer camp in the nineteen-eighties or nineteen-nineties, even accounting for water balloons, squirt guns, and wet dreams. Moisture is ocean sweat. And the ocean is sweating like a pig. The atmosphere is the locker room, and we’re all about to be stuffed in the locker. They call this the greenhouse effect. And my locker analogy perfectly explains it.
Damp Clothes
Yep. Clothes will be damp, too. What—we invented dryers? True, and we all share credit for that. But soon the government will have no choice but to mandate that we use the energy-saver setting, pay the dryer tax, or die. No more pushing appliances to combustion so that you can lay on a mountain of warm underwear. Are you hearing me? These are your socks we’re talking about. Your wife’s bra that you weren’t supposed to put in the dryer in the first place. Your children’s hamster.
Frizzy Hair
You know those days when it rains and you don’t go to work because you’re not a hundred per cent on your look? That’s gonna be every day. Eventually, you will have to either go to work looking like Alf or surrender your job. In other words, your wife and adolescent children will have to support you financially, on top of supporting you emotionally and physically, like when you’ve been drinking.
Flight Delays
I predict that, by 2050, flights will be delayed by more than a year. But not an exact year. You will not be able to plan a year ahead, if that’s what you were thinking. I’ve already run those projections, and they crashed my computer, in concert with some adult videos that I streamed. All of this stems from extreme weather fluctuations. (The flight delays, not the videos.)
“I Told You So”s
Here’s where it takes a scary turn. Everyone is going to claim that they were shouting “We need to do something!” and that “no one would listen!” And, of course, they’ll blame guys like me and you. Oh, I can hear it now: “Marc, you literally stood up at Thanksgiving, threw ice cubes at everyone, and yelled, ‘Not melting yet, huh?’ ” You’ll deny it. They’ll show the video. You’ll destroy the video. They’ll bring up the trash bonfires, with a smug look. You’ll reach for but find no more ice cubes to throw. Then you’ll know it’s too late.
More Flu, Less Sympathy
Not the fun kind of flu, when you’re faking it to skip work. The real kind, when your temperature skyrockets and you call your son “a devil-witch who brought demons into my brain.” By then other people will claim they’re also sick. This will minimize their sympathy for your plight. There will be shortages—saltines, broth, and Gatorade will cost thousands of dollars, and you will have to raid your son’s stash. Streaming services will strain as everyone tries to watch “Cheers” and “Frasier” at the same time. Who will bring me my SOUP?!
Nothing Will Ever Smell Fully Good Ever Again
When you watch those movies about Versailles or England during the time of the rich weirdos with the pastry makeup and the balloon gowns, what you don’t realize is how bad their body odor and breath must have been. It can happen like that. Oh, did I mention that mildew will take over the world? Or that we’ll eat mold on every single food—no longer just on greenbreads, as is the status quo? Did I mention any of that?
More Hurricane Names
It’s just a matter of time before there’s a Hurricane Marc. And let me tell you, no one thinks it’s cute when your hurricane takes their city. Ask my friend Sandy how many party invitations she’s gotten since Hurricane Sandy. Ask my other friend Katrina why she had to legally change her name. (She’s now called Typhoon Hagibis.)
Climate Refugees
Because climate can send entire groups of people fleeing their homes, some of my extended family may ask to stay with me. I don’t want that at all. There’s barely enough room for my ex-kids once a month. Ditto my second, secret family.
Wildfires
Wildfires cause evacuations. This means traffic for the rest of us.
Power Outages
Not the fun kind, like when you’re looting your neighbor’s abandoned, burning house. Nor the short-term fun kind, when you end up with yet another mouth to feed nine months later. I’m talking about the bad kind, when you’re stuck in a subway, having to pee, and the other passengers tie you up after you try to become the train’s leader.
Beach Erosion
The Tulum party scene is already eroding before our very eyes. There’s gross seaweed and icky jellyfish in my swimming zone, harshing my vibe and ruining my mistress’s vacation. I dread Tulum’s sunbathing conditions once the sun has finally out-hotness-ed the beach babes.
Disappearing Jobs
No one will want to hire a thirty-nine-year-old advertising executive who exclusively promoted Exxon and the beef industry to profit from the suffering of future generations. Demographics—I mean people—will develop content-resistant advertising immunity and insist that the only product they desperately need is water, and then I’m finished.
Volcanoes
As for volcanoes, who knows? But I’ve never trusted them.
Zombies
Definitely, they’ll come back. It doesn’t take a genius to know that burying carbon in the ground is bound to wake up some folks. And that’s when the really bad smells begin.
Not terrified yet?
Here are a bunch of other things that Obama and NASA and the Paris Accordions of the planet just “forgot” to mention:
- Rising sea levels will give the appearance that I’m not as tall as I am.
- Polar bears will go extinct before I get a chance to eat one.
- Deforestation might affect Forest Whitaker. Not sure how, but he’s been in less stuff lately.
- My Antarctica time-share will be worthless.
- Sharks will take over Montauk’s Surf Lodge (whales not on the list.)
- Teen-age activists will distract us from important Miley Cyrus gossip.
- Waaaay more umbrellas will get turned inside out.
- Fewer birds means fewer carrier pigeons. How will I file my taxes then?
- Everyone’s going to want to talk about the weather, blah blah blah, rather than just turning up the air conditioner.
- Jerry Seinfeld’s show “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” will come to be known as “Comedians and Cats Eating Compost.”
So stop being so selfish! This isn’t about the future of planet Earth. It’s not about the human race. It’s about me.
