WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Blocked by the White House from testifying before Congress, Anthony Fauci said on Saturday that he would schedule a Zoom call with the entire country.
The esteemed virologist said that the Zoom call would be an opportunity for all three hundred and twenty-eight million Americans to ask him questions about the White House’s response to the pandemic. “It’ll be just like one of the task-force briefings, only I’ll actually be allowed to talk,” he said.
Fauci acknowledged that there could be logistical challenges to getting every person in the country on the same Zoom call.
“Our faces will probably look pretty small, and they may freeze if there’s not enough bandwidth,” he said. “You might want to tell your kids to get off Fortnite for fifteen minutes.”
He said that it was “unlikely” that Donald Trump would be joining the call. “We’re mainly going to be talking about science, so I don’t think it’s his thing,” Fauci said.
