We’ve all been there. The teeth are brushed, the p.j.’s are on, and the blankie is in place. You’re tiptoeing out of the nursery, when suddenly you hear, “Mommy, Mommy, there’s a monster under my bed!” You sigh. Looks like that new episode of “The Bachelorette” is going to have to wait. 🙁 Lucky for you, our experts are up to the challenge!
Is it normal for my child to be afraid of monsters? Yes. If anything, it’s evidence of a healthy imagination.
How do I convince my child there’s no such thing as monsters? Be patient. By five, your child should understand that the monsters she’s afraid of are not real.
What if the monsters she’s afraid of are real? Unfortunately, this is becoming more common in the aftermath of the Great Monster Uprising that occurred earlier this year. Ever since the creatures descended from the Dark Place, their presence on Earth has become an unavoidable aspect of our daily lives. If your child is afraid of an actual, real-life monster, such as Gorgog the Annihilator or Ctharga the Eater of Souls, explain to her that, although those monsters are obviously real, the likelihood of them attacking her is only moderate.
Should I restrict my child’s media access? Most parents agree it’s wise to shield kids from scary content. But experts warn that it may be futile to try to stop them from seeing monsters altogether. After all, they are on page 1 of the Times every day, usually striking a menacing pose. Short answer: try your best.
What if my child is having nightmares? Again, this is normal. The exception is if your child has been “marked” by a monster who is using her dreams to try to form a covenant with her. Ask your child for details about her nightmare. Did the monster address her by her Christian name? Was she asked to “sign his book”? If the answer is no, reassure her it was only a dream, probably.
Should I let my child use a night-light? A night-light might seem helpful, but experts warn they can do more harm than good. Even a small light can disrupt a child’s circadian rhythms and serve as a bull’s-eye for the Gauntwings, who cannot hear or smell, and hunt their prey using only their hyperdeveloped sense of sight. The only way to evade the Gauntwings is to live in total darkness.
My child is also afraid of the drain. Is that normal? I am going to assume you mean the Drain of Ga, and, yes, it’s normal for her to be afraid of it. After all, it’s a giant, swirling portal in the sky that looks like a screaming mouth. It’s fifty times bigger than the sun. Nobody knows where it came from or what’s going on with it. It’s terrifying.
When my child gets upset about monsters, my husband makes jokes to try to cheer her up. Is he making the problem worse? Your husband is probably a monster. Drug him at dinner, and, when he’s unconscious, strip his body naked. If he’s been “husked,” he will have the Mark of Corthar on his chest (see link). If he has the mark, cut off his head.
How long will this phase last? Experts agree that the Age of Monsters is just getting started. There is no end in sight. This is the “new normal.”
What if I’m feeling overwhelmed? Don’t beat yourself up about it. In this modern, haunted world, it’s normal to occasionally feel stressed. Try to carve out some “me” time. Maybe it’s a glass of wine in the bath while your daughter watches educational cartoons. Maybe it’s a full bottle of gin on the roof while you scream at the monsters to “just kill me already.” It’s important to manage your anxiety. Otherwise, you might end up “modelling” nervous behavior for your child, which could cause her to experience stress of her own. Or maybe you should just be straight with her.
What do you mean? Maybe, when your child asks if something’s wrong, tell her the truth: “Yes. Something is very wrong. Monsters are trying to kill us and the world as we know it is over.”
Are you saying I should just give up? You could give up. Or you could fight.
What are you talking about? I’m talking about taking those monster bastards down.
Whoa. Isn’t that impossible? Maybe. But isn’t it worth a shot? Isn’t it better than just sitting there, waiting to die?
I can’t! You can.
I’m scared! I know. But you’re stronger than you think. You can do this.
How? Research the monsters. Learn their weaknesses. Stockpile weapons. Strengthen your body and your mind.
And then what? When the moment comes, look your child in the eye. Tell her that the stakes are high, but you’re not giving up. Tell her that you will do anything you can to protect her, and, even though it’s possible you’ll fail, you’re going to fight for her with everything you’ve got. Tell her, “If these monsters think that they can fuck with my family without me shooting them first in the fucking face, they need to get their motherfucking heads examined.” Watch the strength return to your child as she sees you’re in no way fucking around. Listen with pride as she vows to fight the monsters by your side. Look out the window and stare down the monsters together. Dare them to fuck with your family. Dare them to fuck with the people you love. Take your child by the hand. Arm her to the teeth. Tell her you love her. Open the door. ♦
